The Shrinking Violet

Abuse

2011-01-23T16:18:00.000Z

Struggling this week. Food is difficult, especially avoiding snacks.

Went into the city today for a regular activity, on the way home one of three boys around 17, shouted out "cream cakes" at me. I am fed up of people thinking they can abuse me in the street. So I gave them back as good as i got.
"Please come over here and say that to my face."
"Cream Cakes," screamed the lad again. I gave chase, and crossed the road.
"Watch out she's going to eat you," said one lad. "Sausage rolls."
"Why do you think its okay to abuse people in the street" I screamed.
They went into a shop, I followed them and bellowed after them, "abusing people is not right." I could see people looking at me. I didn't care. For once I had my say.

#

Foul

2011-01-17T19:13:00.000Z

I was surprised to find I've lost 13lbs this week. I'm worried the scales are way off track, which is the most reliable explanation for this. Yes I have been mostly good, but that much weight loss is a near miracle.
On the dating site I got hit by a person with issues. They left a message saying, " you are foul". This didn't bother me at first but it did knock my self esteem.

On reflection with a friend, I do tend to just throw anything on and let my hair hang loose. She kindly suggested I try make up and get my eyebrows trimmed as a way of making my esteem feel better. So I thought I'd give it a whirl. Both my eyebrows were threaded today, booked the dentist, opticians and bought some new makeup. Sadly my hairdresser, whom i see once a week has broken wrists so I'm going to have to see a new hairdresser on Friday. I'm going to go way way shorter. Hopefully the hair loss will count on the scales and the improvement in my self esteem will be drastic.

Miscalculations and coincidences.

2011-01-15T08:17:00.000Z

I miscalculated the food instructions for this new eating plan yesterday with disastrous results. My lunch option actually wasn't from the allowance but from the treats selection. This left me with no extra treats to fight off my itchy savage nibbly fingers. So I over ate slightly, which leaves me with a horrid feeling of guilt. Of course today I feel fine and my body feels wonderfully relaxed as i have to worry silently about the damage to my over all intake.

I'm waiting for a book on coincidences to arrive. They fascinate me, how people meet people they went to school with on the other side of the planet etc. I'm sure you have tales of synchronicity. Odd then that the date matcher, on the dating site, selects a man for me whom i know and regularly meet with in a group of others; I'm quite amused by that coincidence. That and i get a rejection message from a man claiming I'm two inches too tall for him! Sometimes silence is the best option.

Yoga and reality

2011-01-12T13:30:00.000Z

Performed more moves yesterday on the yoga mat to be joined by one of the cats, pictured above. Yoga really does work when its done on a regular basis, but it's distressing how much flexibility is lost and you feel like a beginner again. Add bulk you have an uphill struggle. Slightly achy today which is unusual for yoga..

The pedometer has shocked me. In fact i'm horrified. I'm way more sedetary than I thought. This calls for longer walks on a regular basis.

Feeling positive about my food control though, so all is not lost. I now need to put effort into moving my body for more of the day.

Foot Forward

2011-01-11T14:20:00.000Z

I've signed up with an online slimming group. So that I'm accountable for my weight each week. I was quite excited by the whole plan of eating. I was at my parents and mum followed one of the recipes for Moussaka, a low fat version. It was crying out for moisture and well, fat. My taste buds are going to have to adjust to this kind of eating, which leaves my mouth a little dry.

On the exercise front, I have been up to town and bought a pedometer, so i can track my steps per day. Its a lovely looking sturdy thing, which will become my constant companion, no doubt. The skies are sunnier today and luring me out again. I might just make it though yoga is calling me too. I feel quite in the mood for downward dog.

The dating site is a total disaster. One of the fellow daters posted a message up saying he'd rather date a mild racist that a fatty. Incredible! Part of me wants to stay fat and try to tackle this prejudice. People get so angry about other people's bodies. I think I'll close down the profile. It was partly an experiment to see who'd respond to my not so flattering pictures...

Yoga Practise

2011-01-08T23:46:00.000Z

During the weeks, nay months I haven't been watching my weight my back has started to ache with spasms. Crazy given how much I really love yoga. I thought I'd get back to some weekly yoga. As I can no longer afford the gym I resorted to one of many Yoga dvds which I have. The one i chose was gentle in my memory. But how heavy my limbs are, how hard it was to maintain those positions.

Exercise is a bit like learning a language. It seems impossible at first to ever be fluent. I'm not beating myself up that Scots Gaelic seems alien to me this year, so why should I berate myself for finding exercise hard? It will get easier and there will be challenges.

My stomach really got in the way of my postures this time, It also restricted my breathing. But at the end of the session. I feel vibrant and looking forward to growing strength. Why did I ignore what I love?

Fresh

2011-01-07T14:45:00.000Z

Happy New Year!

I'm feeling better already. I've had a few days with little food inside my cold flat and am feeling more controlled. I won't say I'm in control because I'm not. I have a strong craving for all things sweet.

This morning I scanned the corner shops shelves for something sweet and doughy for breakfast. Thankfully I stuck to just buying my intended fruit juice and ate cereal. I forgot that this weight business is about such constant small victories.

I'm feeling positive about so many things today. I had a total spa day at home last night with all my favourite bathroom products, so I feel thoroughly scrubbed and gloriously clean.

I realized on the bus today that I have no concept of my size in relation to others. There was a larger lady on the bus opposite and I found myself rather horridly comparing my body to hers. I don't usually do that because most people are smaller than me. I wasn't critical of her, just curious how I must look to others. We were both wearing slouchy black leggings and both looked fairly tired.

The amount I have been napping last year has really worried me, so I want to ensure that I'm out and about every day to move. Weight gain has meant that things I found easy last year are beginning to constrict. Thank god I'm in a conscious mind about my food this year.

New Year's Eve

2010-12-31T02:53:00.000Z

Tonight is New Year's Eve. For years i've felt terribly lonely even when i'm with a partner on the night, because I'm not out at some lavish party. The pressure to have a great time really mounts up.

Now that I'm single I'm actually looking forward to the night alone. I've got a bottle of fizz for the occasion. I have so many new projects I want to try and my life needs shaping again, that I actually find myself thrilled by the calendar change. I know it's traditional to have loved ones around you but I want to spend some sweet time by myself in my pyjamas.

Christmas outfit shopping

2010-12-23T14:20:00.000Z

I have a blue dress for Christmas which I picked it up in a sale a few weeks ago. It is dark blue satin. Today I found the perfect accessories to go with it- blue earrings and necklace. I also bought teatime socks and earrings. It will remind me that the best thing about tea time is the tea!

Whilst shopping the other day my folks left their shopping bag on the floor. Two minutes later my dimmest cat was sat inside it.

Getting back on track is harder than shopping. I'm having about a 75% success rate so far in mastering my food. Night time eating is an issue and my rule of not eating at my keyboard has slipped. Time for new rules I think. I hope your shopping is going well for the party season.

Snowy Walk

2010-12-21T17:15:00.000Z

The snow's still on the ground and is set to stay. The cats are having issues about heading out to the bathroom. I am sneezing too.

I decided to curtail my excessive eating and to avoid all junk food, other than on Christmas Day. That way it will really feel like a feast day. I'm feeling slightly peckish but have been snacking on tea and clementines. Tonight I bake the mince pies and will freeze them away. The liquors are firmly shut in the cupboard.

I tried on some clothes at a discount store earlier today. I liked one garment because it was nice and thin and when i tried it on it fit me. However I have several garments of this style in this colour, but I was almost panic buying because it fit me. Crazy what being fat does to us, isn't it. Thankfully I bought my mother a lovely table runner instead for the Christmas table.

The Return

2010-12-21T01:18:00.000Z

I've been hiding from you all. Weight has continued to mount and I couldn't face myself let alone others.

So tonight I decided that I am going to have to make another attempt to stave off the unhealthy and plunge back in to eating like a normal person. I don't want to actually as I am feeling very miserable and shoddy and I'd rather be eating ice cream. I need to be accountable to myself daily. So here it is a redesigned blog and new fighting talk.

In November I went to Paris. I had an interesting time with my then boyfriend. Yet at one point I broke into uncontrollable sobbing after a day walking round the city. There are few fat people in Paris, other than tourists, we stick out a mile almost literally. The busy metro meant I had to breathe in and was a hinderance to other, my legs chaffed during long walks and I found walking exhausting as I haven't exercised for an eternity. We went by train because I didn't want to squeeze into a plane seat. A train was easier. My whole life is restrictions still and so I have been eating to numb that sense of something. There was so much self esteem tied up in those sobs.

The boyfriend is no longer the boyfriend but we are great friends. I decided to join a dating website to see if I'd get any takers- none. It's been like a nose dive: No one contacts me, no one responds to my intelligent emails. In many ways I feel abnormal and tonight so far from being a woman.

I'm back.

Gym Dilemma

2010-08-10T17:01:00.000+01:00

I had a dilemma about going to the gym today. I'm not sure what it was that made me recoil from going down there. Perhaps the bus journey perhaps the machines. I was torn between cv work in the gym or taking exercise outdoors with a long walk around the block.

In the end the outdoors won and I went for a walk, with my mp3 player blasting out retro 80s tunes. I cut the walk slightly shorter as i had a pain in my lower back for some reason after 20 minutes of walking, which could almost be sciatic, still I continue on much longer. I can't say I enjoyed the walk. The route was known and whilst not ugly wasn't the most scenic. The weather was also dull, although it's laughing at me now as i type this as blue skies have appeared and sunshine; there was none of that on my walk.The inclines made me feel like I had to work though and I was tired out when I made it home. Sometimes the choices we make are the right ones.

Scale issues

2010-08-09T22:37:00.000+01:00

I have scale issues. Of course you all have scale issues too mostly but I don't mean the usual ones. It started two weeks ago. I got on the scales and there was no constant reading just fluctuations so I couldn't record my weight. This was fine for part of the week but then I just used it as a sneaky excuse to gorge and yes despite all my history I continue down the primrose path without stopping.

Last night I had another of those mini epiphanies where you look at what you are doing and actually feel so bad you decide to do something about it. I had eaten a huge amount of pizza for my evening mean, plus garlic bread and a sugary fizzy. Then I got off the couch in a stupor and went to the shops and went through a pint of ice cream and three mini brioches and another fizzy drink. I didn't even feel full. Instead I just felt self hatred again and was close to tears. Then head shifted and i stopped the loser mentality that always resurfaces and i said I'd do something the next day.

So today here i am. I have eaten well and more importantly I hoofed it down to the gym on the bus as I cant drive my car right now and did a full workout. I was achy and slower than normal but i set a minimum for myself. No night time binges either, blueberries here in case of an emergency. Then I treated myself to 30 mins of yoga as i felt my back realign after a back bend. So i feel good. In 24 hours a change. Tomorrow I'm off to the gym again and keeping up the momentum, to hell with the fact I can't drive there.

This doesn't alter the fact that the scales are still dodgy. So I have gone up a step and I use the gym scales. 50p for a print out. It's concrete then. So I'm shifting my measuring weights to stones and kg for now so I've reset the stats on a new set of scales. The print out has a nice reminder of how much I should weigh (55.3kg to 74.8 kg) so I'm slightly scared. Plus the scale lights up to measure your height and an electronic female voice tells you to stand still. I had this half fear that she would say my weight to the changing room, fortunately not. I felt embarrassed about standing on the scales. It was as if I were standing in the room shouting " I 've got a problem" which obviously everyone else knows as soon as they look at me but I forget until ~I have to admit it.

Thank goodness for days like this when I think straight.

Marginality.

2010-07-19T13:39:00.000+01:00

I'm smiliing sardonically today as I have managed to loose 0.2 pounds in a week. It's not a major victory in the weight loss goals but i'm happy because it's going down. This week was about stopping the in between cravings and i've started to do that. There were a couple of really bad days where poor planning really let me down. I've been there before.

I think I need to talk about my motivation. I'm 37 and I really want a baby. There's no reason why I shouldn't get pregnant other than my weight which doesn't help in the fertility stakes. I need to drop so much weight so I can realise my goal. It's something I need to affirm here. That's the ultimate purpose of the weight loss. I need also to be eating a healthier diet.

I was at the hairdressers on Wednesday night. She commented on how much thicker and healthier my hair was. No doubt the months of eating better on my diet had contributed to the thicker more radiant hair. I won't mention the hairdressers anymore- I had the junior colour my hair and it's not as great as i'd hoped it would be.

This week I need to sort out the gym membership and get the ball rolling again on the cv work so that I can feel better than I do in the afternoons. My current tablets make me woosy and I often have to doze like a ninety year old, I'm thinking cv work will wake me up a bit.

Itchings.

2010-07-13T11:44:00.000+01:00

Cravings are like itching- you just feel you have to snack. It's already tough and I've given in once yesterday and once today. Bad food choices do nothing for a person. No one said it's an easy process though.

I always find that its either the first few days of a regime or those long days of no weight loss that are the hardest. My body is fighting me for sugar and junk although part of me is sighing a relief that I'm putting in some whole food- it's like chemical warfare for a few days within my own body.

I don't feel good I had a small cake bar because I know it makes the sugar levels play up and down. I guess I have to ease into the old ways again. Last night before I slept I only then recalled that what I used to work on was three meals and three fruit mostly snacks. Yesterday had I stocked up with fruit i'd have been laughing. Instead I wanted something sweet with my tea, like i would do at the hospital. Habits are there without you really knowing. I am in the re-education phase and my body is either willful or very misguided.

Fighting Talk

2010-07-12T15:13:00.000+01:00

I'm back on the watching my body track. It's been some months. I need to briefly account for my massive weight regain and explain where I've been. This will take a few sentences.

Since March I have been in hospital again twice and subsisting on food that was easy not to deny and have taken zero exercise. The gym membership has been cancelled by my folks in my absence. My body is full of drugs and sugar and fat and is sluggish again. I feel terrible which reminds me why I was watching everything I put in my body in the weeks to the end of March. I know I can loose weight and I will do again as a necessity. I will not whip myself with guilt about gaining most of my weight back to December but will remind myself it's an ongoing process and that society and community really do affect weight immensely. Feeling sorry for myself is not a good enough excuse for eating hospital pastries but then again once you start its like a hypnotic drug that you scream for replenishment. I will store this feeling horrendous feeling and reuse as motivation later.

Getting on the scales was difficult but I did it. And I'm glad I'm back. Now let's see what you've been upto...

A Brief farewell

2010-04-10T15:40:00.000+01:00

I've had major hacking problems which has compromised my accounts so I'm having to say goodbye to this account for now. Still fighting the bulge! Good luck and love to all of you!

Unexpected Miracles

2010-03-28T11:01:00.000+01:00

Scale day today. I knew it had to happen all week and there was that unease of knowing that what the body puts in you have to pay for eventually!

Scale reading showed a weight loss. Not a large one I grant you but a damned loss after weeks of stactic and well food abuse. I'm regarding it as a miracle and and thanking every diet fairy known to mankind. It will make me skip to the gym tomorrow with a lighter heart. All I can think of is that it must be muscle wastage! Still the things that happen on this journey surprise the hell out of me. Who'ld have thought it!

Why I have been Away

2010-03-27T10:29:00.000Z

It is so good to be finally back in the computer room typing to you folks again. I have news and a very valid reason for my disappearance of late.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to end my relationship with the most wonderful mr boyfriend. The reasons are as complex as hell and I won't be divulging them here. We are currently re adjusting our relationship into a friendship as we both think each other as cool as well you think of an analogy....So I'm technically single again but it's complex as it always is.

Then I fell ill and ended up in hospital for a week. It had been building a little bit before then. I was forced into a food situation where there was no brown bread in hospital no fruit and tons of stodge at every corner. I gave in and ate as I pleased, there being little else giving much pleasure.... I met some lovely folk in hospital and it wasn't as gloomy as it sounds if only the food had been better!

I'm giving myself till monday to slowly ween myself off the sugar nasties. It's weigh in on Sunday as usual and there will no doubt be a gain. Gym routine begins in earnest on Monday and i'll be here reporting as usual. It's such a good thing I see this as a life changing thing or i might have gone for ever!

On a sad note i walked past a pub enterance yesterday where two men were outside smoking in the town centre. One says to me "ok bird" which i thought random and sweet until he added "seasame street and all that" it didn't take long to put two and two together that he was calling me big bird the prick. I walked away and replied in a very monotone and bored voice "yeah hilarious". I was so angry when I got back to my car that I wanted to drive past the car wave him over and get him to explain his downright sodding rudeness. But I guess there's no debating with the rudeness of people with issues, and he clearly had many if he could insult a stranger in the street! What a prick!

March

2010-03-01T14:38:00.000Z

Ok Confessions time. Last week I temporarily gave up my good work. I didn't go to the gym and I ate crap all week. It was a mini free from good sense holiday where I simply stuffed my face with what ever I fancied and what i thought i might have been missing. Four doughnuts, pint of ice cream, crips, chocolate- 2 boxes, birthday cake, lebanese food, thai food, dodgy portuguese burger, macdonalds three times, a birthday meal, wine twice. The result? Nothing registering as a gain on the scales.I'm still the same weight I was at the end of January. Of course I have reigned in my eating again and i'm off to the gym soon today but there sometimes seems to be no short term justice in the weight loss game. February you have shamed me!

Travels

2010-02-21T11:30:00.000Z

I have been travelling as my photo above attests. Only as far as London though! These lovely scrummy ducks were papped in China town on a city walk about. I would have had a glorious shot of the inside of London's best cheese shop but my camera has deleted the image somehow.

This week has been a week of two halves- the first was very well behaved and restrained the second was kind of wild. On the wild side I managed to pack away 2 pancakes for Shrove Tuesday, some pizza , sheeps cheese and a nice bowl of halva and pistachio frozen yogurt oh and a chicken kebab. My post it notes for the I'm worth more challenge dwindled to very little this weekend. As a result yesterday I bought an advocado and a tomato at the supermarket and had to pull myself away from the lure of the cake aisle and I had to steer a very straight course away from the drive through as my junk sensors were tingling.

I decided to jump on the scales today to see what damage I had inflicted on my body. No loss - no gain! I'm disappointed obviously but not very surprised this week. I could have done so much better but hey ho today is another day...

Getting Over Myself

2010-02-16T15:08:00.000Z

You will no doubt be glad to hear that yesterday I managed to finally get over myself. I did go to the gym like a recalcitrant snail and sat on the recumbent bike for a while and sulked whilst i sorted out my water bottle and mps player. I moved my legs unwillingly and my body responded by being more bored than I could ever imagine. I then hoofed on over to the cross trainer and I felt my mood softening. After 30 minutes of pounding the machines I thought I could actually be enjoying this again and continued to do my full work out. Love those endorphins!

When I came home I had a lovely encouraging message from Alexia encouraging me to join Project 365's challenge- " I'm worth more" which is a lovely brief move away from the scales to appreciate all those positive things we do do in a week to obtain a healthier life style. Both women have wonderul sites and if you are unfamiliar go visit them NOW...

Today was my extended yoga class- it's the best of the week. The instructor is great. Today she brought in her own essential oil mat deoderant for us all to use, so we started off the class in a haze of cinnamon, lavender and bergamot. You really do feel like you have worked the muscles when you come out of her classes but feel secure that she has made all the moves perfectly safe. I was in near exstacy today as we had to sit back on our heels to do the shoulder stretches. It's not a position I feel comfortable with but my arse actually met my heel briefly- I am building flexibility in that region and it's terrifically exciting that my body is responding and budding.

Thanks to all of you who left me encouraging messages in my mood dip, it gave me quite a kick!

No loss?

2010-02-15T14:10:00.000Z

Yet again the scales have defeated me and i'm actually surprised again. Whilst I haven't put any weight on nothing seems to be shifting. I can't work out what is actually going on in my body. I must be loosing part of the weight loss equation somewhere. I'm feeling very sorry for myself and I am reluctant to drag myself down to the gym today but I know it's what I have to do. I hate grey days like this.

Early Valentines

2010-02-12T15:27:00.000Z

Yesterday was Valentine's day. I know it wasn't the 14th but due to events beyond my control we moved it forward a little. My fella took me out to dinner to a Chinese restraunt made famous by a recent television food programme. It was a wonderful treat but one that we both found a disappointing experience. The food was good but not amazing as the hype had lead us to believe. We consummed too much salt, fat and sugar and my body really did notice the difference.

On Monday I had taken myself out for dinner to an Italian restraunt. I ordered calamari followed by pumpkin tortellini. When I was prepping the calimari, I squirted the segment of lemon over the dish and then licked my fingers. My tastebuds were alight with citrus flavours. They were sharp and intense. I tasted lemon so clearly. It was like my tastebuds had undergone a cleanse and polish. I think reducing the crap I have been eating has helped my palette become sharper and more discerning. Hence the disappointment with Chinese food prepared for an average English palette.

I'm continuing in the yoga and gym routines but i'm feeling intensely tired and not enlivened by exercise. Blood work results aren't available yet so I don't know if I have some flesh eating lurgy.

Small Scale Disappointments.

2010-02-08T17:57:00.000Z

On Saturday I became a bit blase about my weight loss and assumed i'd have lost some more poundage by the time the scales were measuring me up on Sunday. The day came and went without the scales registering a loss. I assumed it was a fluke and measured myself today, jumping up sure of a loss. My eating has not been disproportionate but I was dashing about a lot and didn't manage to get to the gym- I really didn't think it would have such an impact on my shred but something has. I'm not quite panicking at this stage after all weight loss is a mysterious thing but come on body- melt.

Taking myself round the gym today was a bind my body found it harder to move but I kept on and reached my target anyway. It's a case of heads down and plough on. I feel a tougher week coming on.

2010-02-06T17:30:00.001Z

What with second rate plays to watch, cars to fix blood to be taken and shops to be visited I've managed to let my blog slip this week. Plus I haven't done a tap of gym work Monday- Friday. This matter was firmly taken in hand today when I did a dose of yoga, 45 minutes round the gym and an hours walk in the open air. My legs will be cursing me tomorrow but at least I could eat my salsa and crackers with a joyful heart.

I also did 20 minutes of budget shopping for clothes today. I found an amazing light pink light weight jacket perfect for everything outdoors. It was the size I was at Christmas and it bloody well did not fit. Even if I had padded out the coat with very very thick jumpers it would still be too lose for me. The fact that clothes are too large for me is a revelation and a disappointment. Now the designers will get all inventive with their fat range (Unlikely- but you never know) of clothes and I will be excluded from them! I was left staggering round the plus sized rail in a moment of size panic. What size am I? I'm not used to shrinking- it feels weird.

Plus whilst in confessional mode I had a moment of yoga envy today when we started on a set of three yoga moves. The bridge no problem, the next adjustment was slightly awkward but I managed it and then onto the wheel, or as I used to know it as a child as the crab. This is where the arms support the head as it goes up and hangs backwards whilst the thighs are thrust upwards skyward. I along with half the class sat and watched as the other half braved their weight and spines to roll into this once easy to perform move. I think I'll practise it covertly the next time I do yoga at home so that one day I can look like a sodding wheel.

Dietician's again.

2010-02-02T23:01:00.000Z

Another early start again as I visited the dietician's again. Visited a different lady today who was still delighted at my weight loss. We discussed my current plan of eating and then discussed portion sizes etc. Portion sizes were an important factor as I'm not sure what a real meal should actually look like. I was recommended the smaller plate routine.

Whilst there I confessed to beginning to grow tired of my snack of low fat crackers and very low fat cream cheese in addition to the fruit output of Europe that i'm consuming. She responded by giving me a couple of alternatives but was struggling to think of items. I prompted low fat hummous: she suggested celery, yogurt and salsa. I set her straight -celery being the devil's vegetable. I have to record my food for my next visit in a few months so she can look at the calories it contains. I am very uninspired by this as so far I haven't had to weigh my food out like a lab rat. The prospect is a little depressing.

I have started to look at charity walks that I can take myself and lover lover man on around the area in the summer. There are quite a few that look good sadly they have an entry fee, which only covers admin costs. I have slacked off the exercise for two days, if you exclude romantic hugging and window shopping so I'm hoping for a double whammy in the gym tomorrow- yoga and an intense cv work out that will have the sweat pouring off me whilst my car is worked on by skilled men in blue overalls to make it live just that little bit longer.

Trial and Error

2010-01-31T14:55:00.000Z

Thank you everyone who has taken the trouble to read my blog and/or leave comments for me. I get a real sense of community, which I love, and who could fail to be delighted by such an encouraging bunch as you lot? Starrstar left me a question, which I thought i'd attempt to answer today. She says she tries yoga and gets discouraged. She asked "what makes yoga work for you?" and "How do you get into it?"

I have this half baked idea that the reason i've always been able to touch my toes with ease is that I was shaped like a banana in the womb, rather than the curled up knees of your average baby, and born breech. Let me try again as that I don't think that idea will stick.

I first tried yoga about 10 years ago when I was attending a really small and intimate gym. I had a really wonderful yoga teacher. She was patient, encouraging and made modifications of all the moves. When I couldn't do the child's pose ( and still can't because my bloody belly gets in the way) she taught me to rest my forhead on my hands infront of me on the mat. I found the moves at times difficult and they almost hurt my body but the best bit was the end of the work out when we got a wonderful relaxation period and meditation. It was the deep relaxation that kept me going to that class. Sadly I moved counties and forgot about exercise for many years. It was a pleasure to go back to yoga last year. However, I was only attending two classes a week and then I cancelled both becauseit clashed with my romantic timetable.

I loved yoga from the outset but I think it was something that really suited me and my body. I really hate team games with a passion and yoga is so different from that. You are only accountable for your own body. You move it carefully and listen to how far your body can move. Each week you find yourself getting a little more strong or flexible. I really love using a wall and doing an inverted shoulder stand against it. My weight currently restricts my balance doing it without the wall but it is such an amazing feeling to relax into a position whilst your belly nearly hangs over your face.

The benefits of yoga are legendary. With a good teacher- and i currently have three- they will select a different focus for each class. It could be hips it could be the digestive system or what ever they feel is good for their class. A good teacher will be able to look out for you individually and can coach you through a move or correct poor practice. I have about 4 yoga dvd's at home too, which I use from time to time. I have not got to a stage where I am devising my own yoga work out as I feel that would be too hard. Some dvd's aren't really suitable for yoga beginners, partly because they move through the moves too quickly or rush the explanations. Some even miss out the vital relaxation part at the end. I think Starr if you want to give yoga a fair chance I would attend a proper accredited yoga class and when there not to judge your performance by how flexible other people in your class are. You have to let go in yoga and just feel how your body is that very instant. Once you've given it a fair chance you may still find it isn't for you. However, the good news is there is a world of different exercises out there for you to try. Don't give up just analyse what you really enjoy. For me the chance to become banana like again is way too attractive!

Overtaking

2010-01-30T15:59:00.000Z

I'm feeling much much perkier this weekend. Today's yoga class was really good as I came across a couple of simple stretches I hadn't met before. I nearly murdered the woman who came in five minutes late mid our relaxation phase as she dropped a pepple right behind my head as she was putting her stuff down so the extra relaxation was essential.

Straight from the gym I drove to a slightly hilly reservoir walk that I haven't been on before. Just like Wednesday I powered up the hills, breathing harder but I didn't need to stop and recover it was one continuous movement. I'm reasured that my health is fine and that my heart will be able to take temporary demands placed on it. I even managed to overtake three couples on route. Ok two were getting on but one couple were seasoned dog walkers in their relative youth. It's odd to walk and listen to snatches of conversation on the reservoir edge. You drift in and out of people's lives. I had forgotten to take my mp3 player but I let the sun shine down on my well moisturized face.

I'm looking forward to having my bloodwork done and revisiting the dietician next week. To those joys I have a theatre visit to look forward to as well as a possible trip out with mio amore to some not so far destination if my car is still working on Thursday after its health check up with mnsr mechanic. I'm also feeling really positive about tomorrow's weigh in, despite a late night love in with mio amore and a haddock fillet sandwich.

Most things are the same, except I am noticing a little more space in some items of clothing. It's almost imperceptable at first as if the item of clothing has been loosened by constant use. When you pull something fresh from the washpile there's space. I'm still waiting for folks around me to notice my weight loss and begin commenting but you have to shed a huge amount for people to start looking again. Heartened by the sun in winter, hinting at Spring to come.

Irritable

2010-01-27T13:23:00.000Z

I'm wearing my irratability like an itch this week. Grudgingly got up and went to yoga, which I thoroughly enjoyed. As I was lying on my mat relaxing post work out I thought it would be a great idea to climb the local hill again hereabouts for a bit of a push rather than a swim.

I wasn't so out of puff up the hill and barely stopped to take a breather. The fog lay thick on the moors and the rain and the wind were causing a stir. I rather liked it. The spooky tower rattled in the gale and I could barely stand up, ears ached with cold, but bit by bit I returned to absolute silence of the village below. Glorious walk but I'm still in an ill temper. I think I'll take myself to bed for an hour.

Family News

2010-01-26T22:43:00.000Z

My thirty four year old cousin is pregnant! I am delighted and slightly envious. No doubt this will get my mum thinking over time about the grandchild she hasn't had yet...

Not much to report today as it was unexplicably the same as always. Yoga was really pleasant and the stretches and relaxation especially deep. It's been a while since I had that really doped feeling after leaving a class, so much so that I thought it inadvisable to swim so the feeling could continue that bit longer.

I'm reading a couple of books about anti ageing treatments and nutrition. I haven't really learnt much but it emphasises the need to take care of one's body. Monday night I watched three episodes of a weight loss show back to back. I think I need this sort of shove to reaffirm what I'm doing and why.

The Doctor's Again

2010-01-25T11:50:00.000Z

Today was the doctor's appointment, nothing serious so nothing to worry about. He was delighted that my blood pressure was "spot on", pleased I was doing exercise and happy that I'd lost weight since I saw him last. He's put me in for some fasting blood tests so I can have my blood sugar and cholesterol levels checked, so not long until the final road test is done. I also have another appointment with the dietician soon enough.

I have been feeling irritable and moody all week, which is unusual for me. For some unknown reason I was sure that I'd not lose weight this week, despite keeping to the food plan and exercise regime. There it was on the scales 308.0- another loss. I think the 310 was a mental barrier for me oddly enough and I'm not sure why. By the end of February I am hoping to hit the 200s running.

Ate out teashop style on Sunday. Stuck to a savoury dish and drowned it with three and a half cups of china rose petal tea. Ignored the sweet trolley and their bakery sales department, along with the free samples of moist ginger cake and white chocolate. Still amazed at my restraint as they have the best cakes in the universe. Treated myself to 100g of ceylon blue sapphire tea, which has pretty blue cornflowers scattered amongst the tea leaves so I didn't feel deprived.

In an outlet store I snaffled a grey mohair cardigan bargain in two sizes less than I would usually wear. Yes two whole sizes; it's like the rules of mathmatics are starting to bend in the universe as I could define myself by that size. Ah well things have to change.

After my doctor's visit I popped into the green grocers and looked longingly at the fruit and veg, like they were sweets in the pic and mix where I selected the choicest italian cherry tomatoes and a ripe advocado. I am going to massacre them into guacamole pre gym work out this afternoon. I hope you are all doing well making good choices today. Keep at it- you know there's no acceptable alternative.

Cheery Friday

2010-01-22T19:28:00.000Z

I'm pleased to say that after four days of unexpected misery I have cheered up quite a lot. Yesterday the apple pie of my eye took me to Yo Sushi for dinner, where I had the most intensely flavoured chicken dumpling soup followed by crispy tofu salad. I think the good food has really made my day as I woke up Thursday morning after dreaming about eating chocolate truffles and was fed good stuff instead of junk. I was delighted when the apple bought my favourite biscuits from my past- the delicious but deathly baci di dama. He ate the flour, hazlenut and chocolate deadly mix as we watched a documentary about the treasures of Mexico and I refused even a taster.

Today I ventured into Manchester in the hope of getting a cheap ticket to Noel Coward's Blythe Spirit, sadly they had sold out of the day's standby tickets by the time I got there. Regardless, I booked for a new production in a couple of weeks- Salt, a play about thirty somethings discussing life at dinner parties. (Am I the only person who has never hosted a dinner party in her life?) I have caught the theatre bug again after I landed a free ticket on Tuesday Night to see Les Miserables. Stirring music is filling corners of my brain at unexpected moments. It's eerie.

I had lunch in town- a sweet potato, butternut squash and aubergine chinese curry with sticky rice and as much green tea as I wanted. I didn't even consider dessert- it's just something I don't do these days and my God it is liberating as I can concentrate on the main food rather than running after that sweet high.

Fed, I ventured into the newly developing Northern quarter and found the most amazing shops with funky designs of stuff in them as well as the Manchester Craft Centre which is a little gem of talented artisans. I bought a charming mini canvas of feet on the scales, which I will photograph when I get round to it.

I love days adventuring. I spent seven hours in the city, mostly walking around and discovering the cheap joys of Primark. It has put the spring back into my step this weekend. I have found one advantage of being fat today- no one wants to sit on the bus seat next to you!

Bendy

2010-01-20T12:30:00.000Z

I owe people thank yous for more awards. Thank you Katie J for the Happy 101 award and to Lisa for the superior scribbler award. I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed with them. As I have to name some things about me I think I will stick to ten as i'm sure you all have better things to do than read about me all day long! It's actually a really hard thing to do as I just wanted to list 10 of my addictive foods but here goes.

1. As a child I was passionate about horses. I rode them, drank out of horse cups, slept under horse covers and even pretended I owed a riding school jumping over buckets in the back garden with a brush. I am looking forward to getting on a horse again when I don't make the damn thing buckle.

2. I adore bike riding. I used to ride a bike in London when I was a student. Sadly I am too fat to ride my bike without the tires deflating. I am looking forward to the time when I get down a few more pounds so I can cycle about.

3. My best friend drowned on holiday in India in 2000, it's been quite a recovery process since then as she was an amazing person who had a weird obsession for zebras. She was my uncritical friend since I was about seven and I miss her dearly.

4. When I was a child I used to spend weekends in the family caravan in the lake district. It's only this year that I've realised I'm actually an outdoorsy person.

5. Books are a passion of mine. I have way to many of the damned things. This year I am trying to get rid of many of them in order to start a savings fund and declutter.

6. I love tea shops and brimming delicatessens. Most of the stuff is now contraband, but I love looking at the sweet trolley to see what I would have chosen if I could.

7. I am really insecure when talking to people older than myself. I sort of clamp up into a good girl who says nothing mode. It's most peculiar as often I can be gregarious with people my age or below.

8. I love the control that driving my car gives me. I took a road trip around the highlands of Scotland in 2001 and I long to take to the road again.

9. In 2001 Scotland I threw myself at one of Scotland's premier writers in the most ridiculous fashion and was rejected unsurprisingly. I haven't quite recovered from the experience. It actually makes my toes curl thinking about it now though...

10. Since 2001 I have had debilitating bouts of pyschosis and depression. I mention it here as I think there is a terrible stigma about those of us who suffer/have suffered with mental health issues and that needs to change. People wrongly assume that we are incapable of anything. One in four people suffer from mental health issues at one time in their life. It's not something that is spoken about and people are often discriminated against and the issue receives little sympathy as it is something that doesn't show outwardly like a broken leg.Sadly the impacts of problems tend to be social and financial. Just thought i'd shake you up a little bit there... On the bright side I know I'm mad today so I must be sane...

Nothing much else to report except I am yoga and gym attending. Yesterday a yoga instructor I hadn't seen before complimented me and said I was "bendy" and then she asked "did you used to dance?" The thought of me ever being a dancer has me in stitches even today as my mother used to describe me as a "fairy elephant".

Shaking it up

2010-01-17T18:27:00.000Z

The ice has all but melted from the ground here and about. It's a delight seeing solid ground again. As I have been seeing grey gym carpet and wooden studio floors I thought I'd take myself out for a walk in the great outdoors.

The body of water lies in the middle of hills, there was still ice on the roads down to the car park. I walked half of the walk quite well, avoiding the ice by walking in the muddy puddles. At one point I realised that I have no sense of balance when I had to perch on stepping stones across an enormous puddle. I was actually scared incase I fell off the stones into the skanky water: I can't believe what a coward I've become but having extra weight doesn't do much for balance. I had to sit out the shoulder stands in yoga too on Friday for much the same reasons. Whilst crossing the sheets ice I was over taken by 4 joggers, risking life and limb.

I'm going to have to step up the menu planning this week as I feel a sense of boredom creeping in to my eating with having the same repetitive fruit and rye cracker snacks.

Many thanks to Enz for awarding me the tertiary Beautiful Blogger award too. I feel like an oscar winner!

Awards.

2010-01-16T20:35:00.000Z

Before I begin with reports of my life I have to say a great big thank you to both Dreaming Of a New Me and Kylie's Curiosities who both mannaged to award me a beautiful blogger award. I think it's fabulous news and the only thing i've won in a very long time; as a result I am grinning and blushing in equal measures. I will name my 7 chosen soon enough and list 7 things about me shortly when I have had time to think a little about them first.

Confession: I dived into a pot of unctuous chocolate today. The colour was deep and intense, the texture glossy. Have I fallen off my drive forward? Have I compromised my desire to avoid sugary junk? No: today is beauty day, my little chocolate indulgence is a glossy nail varnish in a Cadbury shade. I'm rediscovering femininity bit by bit. I won't wax lyrical about potions and lotions here but I am thoroughly enjoying the hunt for the perfect shade of lip gloss.

Life is falling into a little routine of disappearing to the gym for yoga or a cv work out or as yesterday attested both. I'm drinking gallons of water and am sweating it out like steam off a hot meat pie. I float from machine to machine and I leave the gym in a little musical bubble. I feel absolutely fantastic after a session it's like lightness and flexibility combined, my skin glows pink with exhertion and I can breathe so much more easily when I head out into the open.

My gym kit leaves little to be desired. My grey trousers are short on the ankle, the black trousers have a rip at the waist to the pocket, my teeshirts unflattering and my trainers from the clothing section of a supermarket slightly risable. I'm dreaming of the day when I can wear one of those shoulder and arm exposing short gym vests in bright colours, tight lycra short things and have to invest in running shoes. All in good time, my dear...first I will enjoy revelling in the delight of bagginess for a little longer, whilst hints of sexy chocolate toes poke out on the yoga mat.

Thinner!

2010-01-15T02:19:00.000Z

Wednesday was a brilliant day mostly. I went with my mother to a dress shop in the neighbouring town and we tried a few things on. My size was missing from the rack but they had the next size down. What the hell I thought I'll try a couple of things. They bloody well fit! Albeit slightly snuggly on the breast area. Unusually for a british shop I was brought other next size down clothes to try on by the staff and they magically fit too. The lady picked a coat up off the hanger and it looked great. Shame I already have two perfectly adequate winter coats and i'm shrinking or I might have been tempted to buy. My coats are fitting well and I have commandeered an old dressing gown of my mother's too.

Well being had been established earlier on in the day I attended a yoga session where the instructor was fabulous, she came right upto me and talked to me about any injuries etc I might have, instead of bellowing across the room. She is truly adoreable, even though she worked my legs and digestive system with alacrity.

Today I headed out with him and we went to a coffee bar near home. I fell for the vanilla caramel coffee with erm cream. Fortunately I hadn't eaten lunch at that point so I counted the coffee as a small meal! Watched him eat 2 chocolate biscuits with a sense of curiosity rather than a desire.

I have found that my junk food snobbism is getting worse and in the local supermarket I continue to eye up what people buy and I catalogue the food into two: good foods and junk. It's quite a fun way of spending time at the tills. (For the record, I never eye up the people- just the food choices on the belt) junk good junk junk good junk good. I have always had a fascination with other people's shopping baskets. I sometimes like to see what they are planning to do- night in with the tv and beer or meal for one etc. I also try to imagine the menus they are creating from this food. I sometimes ask myself if I would like to go round to their place for dinner... actually can I confess that I ask this question of every basket I look into.

Second Wind

2010-01-12T16:42:00.000Z

Woke up feeling sick again this morning. There was no way I told myself I could bend and do yoga. I confronted one of my banks regarding bank fees, ate dinner then felt that I could manage a gym workout. Steady on I told myself you are ill!

I found myself crunching over the ice of the gym carpark and in the warmth of the locker room, choosing my gym work out tracks ( which proved to be Bob Marley followed by Erasure. A bit of retro is good for the soul!)

The gym floor was packed with beautiful people with rippling muscles and me. I am by far the fattest person at the gym but that doesn't bother me, its simply my current state; I held my head up high and kept on working out in a pool of sweat. I chose a central treadmill towards the end of the work out and carried on going almost singing out loud at the boost of feel good endorphins.

I can't sing the praises of my mp3 player enough again. It even has a clip on the back so that I can attatch it to my clothing as I move. There was something great about listening to Erasure in the gym. Possibly because I used to dance to it in nightclubs way back when, the tunes were familar but needed a little rediscovery, and the beats made my ancient muscle memory want to move!

Work out over but tunes still in my ears I put on my warm fleece and headed home, a glow of sheer joy and deep relaxation over my whole shrinking body. Yoga in the morning- I simply have no excuse...

Overhaul

2010-01-11T13:55:00.000Z

I read a book last night which made me really think about my finances. The writer believes it is important to have a savings emergency fund of three times your monthly income, before debts etc are tackled. It woke me up to the fact that i live a hand to mouth existence some days and am extravagent others. I have booked in with a financial adviser at my bank to discuss a very very very very small savings plan. The book also woke me up to the fact that I rely too heavily on my parents dispite my age. So as well as losing weight I have to add freedom to the pot too. Losing weight is never just about the food!

I was also refused entry to the gym today- they are not extending their open day to Friday afterall. Bugger talk about u-turns. I decided to join up anyway, but it meant missing my yoga class whilst I fetched the financial info needed. But its official-I am a gym bunny for the next six months. The guy asked how my training session when with instructor evil- I told him I couldn't walk for two days and he nodded like that's what is supposed to happen!

I used some of my new financial know how and decided not to go to the beauty salon at the end of my street but managed to knock a third off the price at a piercing studio in town. I am now sporting two very fetching silver studs and I will be able to wear my desired earrings in time for my birthday. Can't swim for two weeks though! Marginally disappointed to find that there is a funky new milkshake bar in town that previously I would have wasted money and gained weight at. It looks fun and hip and all the college kids were crowded in there...

Positivity!

2010-01-10T16:23:00.000Z

I called in the gym today about renewing my membership. If I renew by Friday I will get February free of charge. In addition they are running the free gym entry promo until Friday so I get a week gratis. Life is looking up.

The scales show how being sick impacted on weight loss, 4.6 pounds lost, meaning i've lost another ten pounds and can claim my next official treat. I have contacted the beauty salon less than 100 metres from my front door for their price list. Bring on those beauty treatments! I think the first thing I will do is get my ears re-pierced so that I can wear the fabulous green stone earings I bought over two years ago.

Recovery partially

2010-01-09T20:34:00.001Z

I'm feeling better today but I'm still not able to run upstairs. I think I will have a day of total rest tomorrow. Ironic really as the gym rang up to say they were having an open house and I could use the gym for free all weekend! Too bad i'll have to pay on Monday. Still it's worth it.

This is the day that I discovered adding fresh lemon and fresh lime and their zest to water for a great way to jazz up tap water! It was also the day I went to town on my spa day at home and gave myself a million beauty treats. My toes are now in a zingy pink shade called "love" and I am attacking years of hard skin.

Mum has been experimenting making low calorie mousse with low fat cottage cheese, low sugar jelly and low fat yogurt. Infact she's been cooking all day. There is hot leek and potato soup on her hob as a grab it when you want it snack. Now its my father who looks to have dodgy food habits at their place.

I have continued listing weight loss treats for myself and most seem to envolve visiting places or beauty treatments! The man in my life texted me last night to confirm that he had booked us seats down to London in February. I'm brimming with desire to see how my London has changed as I was a student there for 3 years and have fond memories of day trips since then down to the capital. What will be really great fun is planning out the day, researching places to go that we are unfamiliar with. The only place that is down as an essential is a trip to Neal's Yard dairy to buy the best of cheese on offer in the UK. The place is tiny, reeks of cheese odours and the staff insist you try everything before you buy exactly what you are happy with- bliss!

Chocolate cake challenge

2010-01-08T18:53:00.000Z

I'm still feeling painfully sorry for myself about being ill. I fell lousy in the morning and at night but full of beans in the afternoon- not enough to even do mild yoga. The evil gym instructor rang me today asking to make an appointment for a review. This is where I get to tell him how much pain he put me through so he can review the woefully inadequate painful work out he devised for me .I am looking forward to that! I'm hoping to resume gym routines gently on Monday.

Yesterday the dashing chap was a hero, he bought me congestion and pain relief and we sat round the heater he bought me for my flat, whilst i made groaning, grunting and explosive sneezing noises from the sofa intermittently. We did go out for a drink in the afternoon. We made it to a cake and chocolate place thats well known in this area. I ordered a hot chocolate as my indulgent treat I could have ordered a toasted teacake but I chose not to and the dashing chap had a cappucino, my free disks of chocolate and a large piece of the most devilish marzipan and chocolate cake. The drinks were set down before us when the waitress brought his cake. She eyed us both up and was about to set the cake down infront of me. She obviously assumed I would be the recipient of the chocolate fest being the most rotund. Bloody assumptions! The dashing one let the spoon of chocolate cake breath beneath my nose. I decided I'd have one mouthful as I was curious to know how it tasted rather than actually wanting to stuff my face. It tasted chocolately, had a velvety texture but it was ultimately way too sweet. I'm growing to abhor sugary foods, so help me! It did not set me spiralling into an abyss, to which I'm greatful.

My clothes are an iota lose again. I dashed to an outlet shop this afternoon where I can buy jackets for £6.00. I actually bought one jacket for £0.99 and it fits me properly. I can fasten the buttons all the way up. I had to do a double take and adjust my head a bit The size that I have barely squozen in for two years and more fastens and it is not made of stretchy material! As I have lost over 15 pounds since I have got back on track. I decided to treat myself to a necklace made from Amythyst, aquamarine and silver.

Aching

2010-01-06T19:44:00.000Z

I'm officially aching. No its not the evil gym instructor or the yoga lady who wanted to bend my legs where they didn't want to go- I have a cold. I've been in bed all day. Feeding the cold with good stuff and sleeping. Catch you all when i'm feeling better.

Sighing Deeply

2010-01-05T12:52:00.000Z

I can't pysically get to the gym as it's been snowing continuously hard since I reluctantly left lover boy's pad last night. The car is deep in a drift and the snow has fallen over thick ice. Fortuitously I brought over my thinner yoga mat to my parents last night which means I can set up a little yoga studio of my own. Pre planning I love you!

Lunch was home made guacamole. My mother blanched at the fat content but I'm not going to sneer at the advocado; it's packed full of nutrients. Life is to short to worry about the fat content of a vegetable/fruit when that is your main ingredient!

Last night I was lucky enough to have figs that I found in a rather fabulous italian style deli. I had two pounds in my purse and so spent them wisely. The fruit was baked to creamy perfection, the juice the sweetest and stickiest concoction ever so subtle yet flavourful. If I had to compose a last supper figs would be amongst the food on the table.

Yoga at last

2010-01-04T14:22:00.000Z

This afternoon I sunk into my yoga mat and closed my eyes after lots of stretches on my hamstrings. It felt great to be in a class again. Strangely I'm getting a bit fat conscious at the gym because everyone is stick thin, there doesn't seem to be anyone with an ounce of fat on them!

I'm starting to get really ravenous after a work out and I was delighted to be reunited with my tuna sandwich post work out. Last night I had a snack on a sweet potato with taziki followed by stewed plums. Mum has made a soup tonight full of every vegetable ever to pass through her cupboards.

One Pound

2010-01-03T12:16:00.000Z

I'm looking at my loss a little sadly. Yes it's a loss yes its in the safe range for weekly weight loss. Yes it's only been 5 days since I weighed myself but given my new gym regime its a tad disappointing. Perhaps its the curse of the new year. Perhaps I'm gaining muscle. It's because i'm not patient enough. I want to see the pounds melting away rapidly because I hate them so much. One pound is a victory to me against the fat cells I am going to quit moaning about the numbers.

What I do have today is glossy hair. I used tons of products on it last night as part of a mini pampering routine. It's thick and glossy and will only remain like this for today until I douse my head in chlorine. I've decided to make Saturday night a bit of a pampering night for me. My face was exfoliated and the smoothest lip balm applied to my winter chapped lips my feet were softened with parisian cream.

Yesterday I tried the new yoga dvd. It was slightly oddly paced. Tons of standing round in prayer position, then tons of quick movements that I couldn't see as I ended up with my large rear pointing to the tv, so I added some weird twists to the routine. It then repeated itself weirdly towards the end and I thought it had started again. But I did feel better for it.

Almost a high

2010-01-02T11:50:00.000Z

Snow today, just after the last bout cleared up. Nothing stopped me from getting to the gym today. I was on the recumbent bike listening to the Editors and Massive Attack on my mp3 player when I realised I was almost enjoying myself. If the mp3 player hadn't have been with me I would have be bored by the whole experience. Instead I pumped my legs to the beats, in the way that one danced in the early 90s. I had bags of energy and plenty of water on board and my legs and arms no longer ache.

The pool was empty so I did a series of deep squats in the water and then settled into the jacuzzi as a reward for actually getting to the gym. I feel vital and I truly deserve a great lunch.

I bought a new yoga dvd the other day with my Christmas money. I was slightly exhausting to watch but I'll give it a go this afternoon possibly. I'm hoping it will stop the cravings for the box of Cadbury's heros that's sitting near the fireplace but thankfully there are a hundred tons of clementines in the fruit bowl.

A New Decade

2010-01-01T21:10:00.000Z

I'm still surprised that January has happened with such speed. I have set myself a new target for January, which I am naming the gym bunny push. I feel a real sense of success that I navigated the holiday season and didn't eat any junk at all.

I'm not setting any resolutions in stone this year other than what I'm not doing. This year I'm not putting up with crap, either in my body or out there in the world.

Old Times

2009-12-30T12:01:00.000Z

I'm at my folks again until tonight. Mum invited her neighbours round for a meal last night and as there weren't enough chairs I spent the night upstairs. I felt like I was 8 again, not being able to socialise with the nice people. As their next door neighbour is terrified of cats two of the moggies were in the bed room with me.

Mps player on I finished off Confessions of a Carb Queen which was really great. I totally identified with many parts of her story, especially the hiding take out wrappers under car seats. Ick. Moved on and read Janet Street-Porter's book Life's too f***ing Short,which is Porter's no nonsense guide to cutting out the crap things we do in life. I have decided as a result to delete about 90 % of my online contacts as some are a waste of space. I am considering selling several of my classic novels on line. I have about 10 boxes of books doing nothing in my parent's garage. I will never read them again unless I really love them! I'm thinking about the New Year now and whilst I will not make resolutions per se I am going to improve the quality of my life and reduce the clutter therein.

The Wonder Gel

2009-12-29T16:40:00.000Z

You find me in a better frame of mind today after raiding the bathroom cabinet last night. I am now dowsed in arnica gel and detox gel, both of which are said to aid soreness including after exercise.My aches feel marginally better. I spent the time in bed stretching out my sore muscle (the rectus femoris)

Weigh in again this morning and can report that I have lost weight rather than gained some-result. This feels like a relief.

The delicious delivery van arrived early this morning with 3 of the 4 weight loss memoirs I ordered, just in time for the New Year, and I have already delved into one. I find memoirs incredibly inspirational.

Hopped into the gym and swam for half an hour and let the spa pool sooth my limbs temporarily.

Sunday- gym assessment

2009-12-28T23:43:00.000Z

I skipped off to the gym on Sunday full of enthusiasm. All classes were cancelled so no aqua class. Started with a gentle swim for a while instead. Had lunch and shopped nearby with my Christmas money. Bought a lightweight fleece for gym cool down and a thick yoga mat on sale so I can have a mat at my parents house too.

At 2.00pm I met the guy who was to give me my gym work out. The guy whom today is on my hit list of people I will not be sending a Christmas card to in 2010.

We start out on the bikes. No worries there. My heart rate gets going. I had imagined him to give me cv work with a little bit of weights. No. This guy gets out the swiss ball and has me doing 45 deep squats. Next a heavy ball is then flung round the gym in all directions, involving twists and squats and i'm feeling like a prize prat. 45 knee modified press ups later I can barely stand. A quick hop on the treadmill and my heart rate is ok. I'm sweating like no ones business from the ball exercises. My arms and shoulders are give a work out from the windlass, set half way. Then a hundred sodding metres of rope climbing. I'm so relieved when its all over. I get introduced to the power plate, which shakes out the lactic acid in the body. I feel thoroughly worked. Later in the evening I feel wiped out and slightly achy. One day later I can't use my sitting down leg muscles so very well because it hurts so much and walking is quite uncomfortable on the legs. I decide to forgo all excercise today and wont be repeating the masocist gym plan. I will have to construct my own.

Tomorrow I have an aqua class which I will struggle with but I think it will be easier than doing the stretches in yogalates at the minute.

I weighed myself as usual on Sunday and was disappointed to find that my weight was up to 319.8. I couldn't work out why because I have been an example of virtuous eating all damned holiday. It clicked today- It was pre menstural weight. So I will weigh myself tomorrow and record the loss then instead.

As the gym was mind numbingly dull I have invested in an mp3 player, which takes me somewhat into the digital age. It has a radio too which will also accompany me on walks when it gets a bit warmer. I am irritable, weary and achy: I feel so unfit and sore. Less moans tomorrow!

The Long Awaited Gym Visit Arrives.

2009-12-26T13:06:00.000Z

I rose uncharacteristically early today and headed off to my new gym. I braved the icerink carpark and made it as far as reception.

There they forced me to fill out a booklet or two and then gave me a gym orientation. This consisted of a man pointing at the pool saying this is the swimming pool, this is a cross trainer etc.: all no brainer stuff. What amused me was that there were two flights of stairs to the yoga and tai chi studio I will be knackered before I get up there. I booked in for a gym assessment tomorrow afternoon. The yoga class had been cancelled. Damn it- that is why I was there, mostly.

I spent 20 minutes sweating in the gym, burning off two of yesterday's clementines, drinking a bottle of water and then I did some lane swimming for a while. Sat in the hot tub because I could for two minutes and felt my fat thighs wobble with the water resistence.Dripped over the changing rooms and hid in the second changing room to get out of my wet costume. N.B. When climbing into my bathing suit I did not use the changing rooms as they were full, I sort of exhibited my arse to the world. I feel so brave. Similarly when walking through the gym I put on my best I'm not self conscious walk back to the changing rooms. Wow. I have to do it all again tomorrow!

Festivities begin in Earnest.

2009-12-24T19:33:00.000Z

Christmas Eve already? I awoke this morning to the scene of snow clinging to the tree outside my bedroom window.

We played Christmas music all day to keep the sugar and me in the festive mood. Lover boy threw a snowball at me and managed to get my hair sodden on the way to the florists in the search of a bowl of hyacinth bulbs but I got him back pronto. The florists were stuffing themselves with mince pies and were boozed up with wine whilst the newsagent was digging a path so that the elderly wouldn't fall.

Snuggled up on my ever so comfy sofa we watched Miracle on 34th Street and were charmed and sarcastic in equal measures. He ate paprika pringles and I touched not a one. I'm starting to find my resistance a minor miracle in itself.

Selecting a meal for tonight was a bit of an ordeal as I didn't have a clue about what I wanted. Settled on prawns and noodles from the chinese as it needed to be marginally more feasting fayre than normal. I didn't over eat and the remains went in the bin. I was going to have mulled wine tonight but I have abandonded it due to the calorific nature of my meal. I have to make compromises along the line if I am to get any where on this journey. Plus I have a bumper bag of the ripest, sweetest, freshest citrus fruit available. God it's set to be a reasonable couple of days.

Merry Christmas to you all in blog land, where ever you dwell. x x x

Gym newsflash

2009-12-23T10:28:00.000Z

I received a friendly email from the manager of the local gym I have temporarily joined. They said " just come down to the club" as no card is posted out, despite what the website said. All those days of anxiety and all I needed to do was brave the cars on the road and just present myself in all my rotund glory. The sweet irony is that if I went today I would miss 2 of my 12 days this week. So I have decided to attend the gym on the 26th, so that I get in the maximum number of days per deal. It was a hard decision I can tell you as I'm dying to get to the yoga classes, two of which run today. Plus the roads are like marble with the compacted snow and ice out there. As a sweetner to myself I will follow a yoga dvd at home on Christmas eve, between the Miracle on 34th st (original version) and some other film the apple-of-my-eye will bring over tonight.

A friend from school emailed me yesterday regarding meeting up whilst she's home for the holidays. It will be lovely to see her and she's adoreable so I don't need to worry about her reaction to my increased girth because there will be none. The reason I mention it was that she told me about a mini school reunion between about ten of my former classmates and she asked if I'd be interested in going. Two of which hated my guts at school and spent their teenage years sneering at me. I'd love to say that people do change, that people grow up but I have taken the cowards route out of it. I will not be attending partly because I'd rather have teeth pulled and partly because I do not want them to see me at this size. I know I have been advised to not put off anything but when you get together with your soon to be long term boyfriend at a 16th birthday party and one girl says "urgh you've got off with (the shrinking violet)"loudly to him infront of your peers you don't want to hang around them 20 years later as roles don't alter that much. Fat pride takes a backseat as my self preservation kicks in.

I have two food things I want to mention. The first is the arrival of the annual Christmas bowl. No this isn't that odd version of rounders you Americans play but the putting out on display a ceramic bowl full to the brim of Cadbury's roses chocolates in the living room for "guests who drop by". I will not eat any of them, however, I have developed this weird and worringly obsessive habit of counting how many are left in the bowl to see how many my parents have eaten over the course of a morning etc. It's a mightily odd habit to develop. I just need to remember that bright colours in nature often signify poison and Cadbury's roses have bright wrappers; there's logic for you.

What I love about the difference between America and England is the way we treat bread and cheese. Here we turn it into cheese on toast: there it becomes a grilled cheese sandwich (call it a fried sandwich for goodness sake be honest!) An internet friend from Boston revealed the secret of the grilled cheese sandwich to me last night so I did a mini culinary experiment. I made one with half a slice of a very small loaf, some olive oil and reduced fat cheese. The results were ok, but I'll stick to the british version. My mother, however, had her imagination caught by the delightful cooking smells that she had russled up two whole slices of fried bread, skimping on the cheese to erm "save calories"(sic) Shakes head in disbelief. (It's not easy to watch her eat some continental biscuits after that because she has already lost over 30 pounds herself in the last two months and has mostly abandoned sensible eating because it's Christmas.)

Not Fit

2009-12-22T12:13:00.000Z

I'm reminded of primary school just now . When the field was wet they'd post a sign on the hall saying " Field not fit" and "Field Fit" when it was fine. Today is definately a field not fit day. We don't get all that much snow in England so when it does hurl the white stuff down we don't know how to deal with it. Everything stops. The news reports nothing but snow news. Huddled with my mug of ovaltine light I feel greatful that we headed to the shops yesterday now nothing can send me out for a while.

I've officially given up on the gym pass arriving before Christmas. It was another early rise to be defeated by the post. I've sent the gym head quarters a slightly sarcastic letter and hope that they issue a new pass in the next few days.

Mum is getting goods from the delivery man daily now. They are practically on first name terms. We are stocked up on face creams 'til 2057 at least. I thought i'd get in on the act and ordered some weight loss memoirs online. They have been dispatched today. They should start arriving after the Turkey blitz. I ordered Such a Pretty fat, The Incredible Shrinking Critic, Passing for Thin and Confessions of a Carb Queen. They should set up up for January. Then I went on to spend imaginary money online by logging onto my favourite shops and pretending I could order what I wanted. I made quite a list although cast iron bookends, buttons, necklaces, embroidered mirrors and picture frame hessian memo boards were tempting. I'm missing buying frivolous things for the home this season.

Venturing out

2009-12-21T14:37:00.000Z

I was out of bed radidly in the morning in the hope of catching the gym pass as it plopped through the letterbox. Eating cinnamon oatmeal I looked into the snow for the postie. The letters arrived full of bountiful joy- a card from friends in Majorca and the Yorkshire Dales. Also included the local theatre was advertising its new season but no gym pass. Getting up early and the longed for gym trip being no go, despite me having prepared for 12 pm yoga, made me really irratable.

I wasn't aided as I went with mum in the snow to the supermarket. The fruit and veg isle was pilled high with sprouts and parsnips and potatoes. Everyone was jammed into one spot with their huge baskets dithering over choices. The supermarket gleamed with great food for Christmas. Though I did stop to scoff at the low fat sausage rolls- I mean really what is the point? I panicked for five minutes over the pasta section as I struggled to find wholemeal pasta. I landed lucky and was rewarded by some really tiny wholemeal pasta shells, which have been made into a mushroom bake with some clever help from some herbs, eggs, garlic and onions and will be served soon. I'm desperate for that pass to come tomorrow my mood will be so much better after a day of exercise in the warmth.

Snow and weigh in

2009-12-20T12:52:00.000Z

I got angry yesterday. Cold raw anger. It doesn't matter what it was over but what is interesting was the effect on my body. I felt intensely wounded and it physically hurt. I got an immediate desire to eat everything in the cupboards. I settled for a low fat version of a bacon sandwich and then forced myself not to eat anymore but that oh so familiar feeling was there, intensified by the emotion. After an uncomfortable night I woke up in a relatively good mood.

More snow has been falling overnight and it looks like the top of an iced cake out there. The cats have reacted differently to the conditions. Dilys, who is on a weight loss regime herself, was out playing in the snow like some snow leopard whilst the other two dozed for England in the warmth. Even I was curled up in a hand me down soft- as-a-teddy-bear-feeling sweater.

The weigh in was a pleasant surprise. I have managed to lose a stone for 2010! Now all I have to do is lose a gram or two over this holiday week. That's the real challenge.

Postal Unease

2009-12-19T11:24:00.000Z

The 12 day gym membership was purchased on Tuesday evening. They said allow three days for delivery. I was disappointed yesterday when the post was bereft of post and mortified today when the doormat was empty. I'm raring to get my 12 days in before the new year. So to tell you the truth I'm a bit down today as I hate waiting for anything and Monday seems remote.

Whilst searching the net for all things weight loss I found a dress size calculator. I thought I'd work out when I will be able to squeeze into a uk size 18. I was expecting the date to be Dec etc but the date it showed was March. I then did a calculation for a uk size 12 crossing my fingers and a date in December came up. I was stunned. The potential reality of a possible weight loss came to me and I did get a shiver of excitement. I also found you tube videos of the Joy fit club, where people who have lost over 100 pounds tell their weight loss story. Check it out if you haven't already.

Christmas tree walk and chocolates

2009-12-18T01:12:00.000Z

There's a petrol station I call in practically every week and each time I get insulted each time I go in. It was late at night there were four of us lined up outside to pay for our petrol. The attendant makes the first transaction and doesn't speak to the guy. Ditto the second. Then it's my turn I pay my money and then when he gives me my change he points to the large chocolate display and says, "there are two chocolates for 86p". I wouldn't mind ordinarilly but he says this to me without fail every single visit and I never purchase his blasted chocs. He says this to just me. I hate the thought that must be going on in his head. Fat woman must want chocolate. Fat women must want to eat cake. Fat women argh. It made me so angry I made a mental note to have a little blog rant about it and I bought my petrol from elsewhere tonight. Job done.

On a lighter and brighter note I braved the freezing cold to go on a walk near home (photos on the two previous posts). For those of you who didn't read my blog last year you need to know that where I sometimes walk is surrounded by trees which get decorated as if by magic by the Christmas decorating elves. It's really cool to walk and stumble upon forty odd decorated trees in the middle of nature. Some have lovely cards of thanks or remembrence attatched to them- it's a fabulous tradition and is worth putting up with the muddy footpaths to see them. Returning home to warming onion and potato pie was a blessing too.

Snow has fallen lightly tonight and the snow falls as I type so I'm feeling all warm and Christmassy. On Wednesday night I was taken to see White Christmas the musical, which was fabulous especially at the end, when it was made to "snow" inside the stalls where I was sat.

First Christmas tree

2009-12-18T00:53:00.000Z

Photos of today's walk

2009-12-18T00:49:00.000Z

Nuts and just what I need.

2009-12-16T13:37:00.000Z

My dad obsessively feeds the birds. There are different spots all over his garden where he places food for the tiny birds. He gets aggreived if the bigger birds or animals show a desire to eat from his food provision. A few years ago I gave my parents a squirrel proof bird feeder that has bars surrounding it thicker than a maximum security prison. Whilst preparing my egg on toast this morning I looked out to see a very wired squirrel trying his damndest to get the nuts in the feeder. It was scrambling up rose thorns and trying to walk down 6ft brick walls all in the desire to get to a peanut or two. It made me laugh sadly as I used to be that way with high octaine junk food. What chemical in the brain drives desire?

Since I met you know who I haven't been to one single yoga class and lately I've been itching to get stretching again. The local sports centre has two sessions a week one I can't attend and the other so early I'd see the milkman if they still existed in large numbers. It's also I think rather expensive for dated surroundings. Looking online I found a really good deal. A twelve day gym membership at the rather nifty newish gym in the centre of town. I printed off the inclusive exercise classes and they have 7 yoga sessions a week. There's bound to be a couple I could attend there for goodness sake! Plus I get to use all the other facilities.

Mum bought me the 12 day deal. It's to be used on consecutive days and I'm raring to get started over Christmas as a way to fight the day's turkey overload. I'm also thinking that I could perhaps afford an off peak monthly membership if the classes are good and the pool and gym fat friendly. I know some of you are thinking you will never attend the gym after the first month but the truth is when I was a paying monthly gym member before I did make use of all their facilities regularly. The only thing that might get in the way is the cost but what price is better health? Yes I could walk outdoors but I have shirked the cold recently I want a touch of luxury it may be just what I need.

Fat Stores

2009-12-15T15:44:00.000Z

I'm at my parents for a couple of days to get some warmth into my bones rather than huddling round the heater at my little piece of Antarctica. Vegetables abound here. Lunch today was a milky parsnip and apple soup with a sweet and rooty flavour. Tonight i'm having that Crank's favourite Homity pie; wholemeal pie case filled deep with potatoes, onions, parsley, garlic and cheese. My parent's kitchen smells heavenly.

For sport yesterday I took my fat stores (lovingly refered to as T K Fat) to the shops for the sheer joy of trying on clothes that fit. Here is what I learned this year through trying on everything in my size on the plus size rail. Not all clothes my size will fit or flatter, they simply aren't good enough for me and my body. Not rocket science I admit . Now I realise that clothing patterns vary from place to place and it's not me that's wrong it's the clothes!

I'm seeing my clothing trips as therapy. I'm getting acclimatised to the bright lights and changing room doors that don't fasten and curtains with gaping holes in them and mirrors that magnify T K Fat from all angles. Clothes shopping used to be unpleasant now I skip into the changing rooms full of hope, even when my purse is empty. I try on the garments, look at them thoroughly assess if it looks stunning, learning all the time about what flatters me best, then back on the hanger they go. When a garment look ridiculous and a frightening number do, I laugh at the retailers pathetic attempts to sell me inferior goods.

Yesterday we fed my sick cat two tins of tuna as a last supper which it woolfed down ferociously. My folks took him to the vet imagining the worst. I shed numerous tears in private, steeling myself for the return of an empty basket. It returned quite jubillant and sneezed a little. Poor thing isn't quite as near to death as we imagined it's just suffering from a chest infection and an over active thyroid. Dad is very impressed at the cat's acting skills in conning us out of two tins of tuna.

Feasting

2009-12-13T13:34:00.000Z

The annual feast at the local fine dining pub took place last night and it was food heaven. Spicy parsnip soup with toasted almonds, and fresh bread roll opened the event. Traditional fayre was what I wanted so it was turkey that melted in your mouth with all the trimmings. I was going to not eat the dessert but it was creme brulee with a fine crust of burnt sugar and a shortbread biscuit and cream on the side. I didn't eat the mince pie served with the coffee so I was congratulating myself all evening. I even remembered to remove my makeup later on that night.

Two heavy meals in two days. I worried they might play havoc with the scales but this morning it was registering a 2.8 lb weight loss. I am a loser- it's official!

I feel satiated after all that heavy food and best of all I have no desire to set in motion a chain of binges. Now I can eat simply until Christmas day, which is comforting. It's St. Lucia's day today. In Sweden they celebrate by drinking mulled wine with raisin and toasted almonds floating in it and eating gingerbread. Its a fine tradition but I've eaten the supplies of gingerbread already and a bottle of mulled wine with fruit and nuts is not going to help me lose weight. Instead I will celebrate by making my flat scrupulously clean, so the saint of light wouldn't trip over anything in her blindness. Though I may light a candle or two....

Daytripping again

2009-12-12T16:20:00.000Z

The weather forecast for Manchester said sunny and low the sun did shine. However, we were travelling in Derbyshire. The minute we hit the Peak District National Park the weather decided to get a little wintry.
Travelling amidst the mist covered valleys and hills defeated the object of driving the scenic route. Banks of fog shrouded the road; all we could see was the road. Eventually we arrived at the bleakest cold spot in Derbyshire that day- Bakewell.

Bakewell is renown for its famous pudding, a close relative to the bakewell tart. It's a creation of pastry, jam, egg and almonds. Totally decadent and fat ladened so much so the fat leeches through the paper bag. The pudding wasn't for me it was for the boyfriend so he got two puddings. Why two? Because there is a dispute in the town about who actually has the original recipe, and thus they vary slightly. Both must be savoured to decide which is the top.

We walked around the small town collecting goodies. Items purchased inclused a partridge, derbyshire oatcakes, award winning sausages and erm Belgian chocolates. The chocolates were for the boyfriend's birthday although I confess I did manage to eat two slices of candied orange when I got home.

Having had a hot drink, and leaving the complimentary biscuit(!) we made it out of the town away from its bird infested riverbanks and drove to find a speciality for Christmas- Hartington Stilton cheese. Navigating in the white out was not easy but due to the boyfriend's superior map skills we ended up in the village at the old cheese shop. We tried a ton of cheese, including a rather odd one of chocolate, orange and cream cheese. I came out with a huge block of Stilton for the Christmas table and some white stilton and blueberries for sheer novelty and the boyfriend was carting a garlic laddened number.

Brief respite at a country pub, where I watched longingly from beside the log fire as the boyfriend drowned an amazing tasting pint of draft cider.The stone circle visit was postponed due to bad weather so we made it into the city of Derby to hunt for a Mexican restaurant that no longer exists. We found a very suitable alternative though. Nachoed out we had eaten our fill and the boyfriend was sucking on his lime after his rather mellow tequilla. (One of 40 on their list). Home again exhausted and satisfied.

A stalker and memory loss

2009-12-10T21:44:00.000Z

I think Santa is stalking me. I went out to the shops and there he was by the recycle bins. I kid you not! His sleigh was all lit up and Christmas music was blaring out. People were surrounding him collecting money. He's not the only man I'm not intimate with who is interested in me this month. The local newsagent keeps asking me a series of pertinent questions. Today's was, " What do you do for a living?" Nor was he satisfied with my vague answer of " various things" he just had to grill me further. Next he'll be asking who I bank with and wanting to know what my future prospects are! The honey thinks the newsagent is chatting me up. Can you imagine! Things like that do NOT happen to me, it continues to feel confusing.

Tomorrow the honey and I are out into deepest darkest Derbyshire, regardless of the cold. It will be really strange to visit places where I used to go to when I lived for a few years in the county. I've made a decision not to visit my old village. The house is preserved in my memory and I don't want to see it lived in by anyone else.

The honey came over to stay on Wednesday night yet, I totally forgot to buy in food for his stay. There was no milk, no bread or anything worth eating. It's usually the first thing I worry about. In the supermarket the honey picked up my old favourite- oatmeal and raisin American style cookies. He nearly didn't get them as I sort of awwed because I used to love them. I said he should buy any flavour but those. After a little soul searching I said he should get them if he wanted them, he declined but I ordered him to put them in the basket because that's truly what he wanted with his cup of tea later that evening. He is the master of moderation and good sense and can stop after half a biscuit. Why? So that he can enjoy the other biscuit the next day! Sounds logical put that way. They are well out of my sight in the flat and I have no interest in them. Instead i'm having a snack of fruit here and there. This morning I forgot to eat again until he reminded me we should eat. Maybe I'm coming down with something!

Unexpected things.

2009-12-09T15:37:00.000Z

I'm feeling marginally guilty about slagging off the chap's attempts to make me French toast a while back so in order to readress the balance on the ground of fairness I must make a mention of his rather wonderful other dish- Spicy Sardines.Sardines? I know I thought the same thing as you do. Barely fit for the household pet! But sometimes rather wonderful things come unexpectedly.

Sardines are a mineral rich oily fish, related to herrings, and thus are terrifically good for you. Though don't get me started on the difference between a sardine and a pilchard. Combined with exotic spices and chillis they take on a far higher status that you could imagine. Serve with rice and you are on to a winner! I would post the recipe here if I could but the spice mix is a little secret.

When the chap suggested I eat his dish I privately thought that I'd have to eat two mouthfuls and then feign illness or being full up but I was surprised. More than surprised-I was delighted. Spicy Sardines is a delight. Plus I was amazed at my chap's prowess in chopping onions regularly and finely!

It seems to me that unexpected things are what keep us going. When a fellow chatter posted a stir fried sprout recipe I baulked a lot as I have only experienced them over boiled on Christmas day. I bet they did taste marvellous. The unexpected reinvented.The simple things we over look.

Yesterday I got a Christmas card from the chap, totally out of the blue through the post. He'd designed a photo Christmas card himself with a picture I'd taken of him on the front and a cute picture of us both out on one of our summer walks inside. It was the most personal Christmas card I've ever received, and hence the best.

On my travels yesterday daytime I drove past a wall in the middle of nowhere where a rather trim Santa was sitting waving at all the passing traffic. I of course waved back with all my might. It gave me a real buzz about the great things to be found out there!

Oranges and a cut.

2009-12-08T12:48:00.000Z

Traditionally oranges or satsumas used to be placed into the toe of a Christmas stocking as a treat for Christmas. Yet I never had fruit in mine. I recall joyous Christmases where I opened my stocking presents to find a selection box of chocolate bars. Right there at 7 am I would rip open the box and begin to eat the confectionary. I was allowed to eat as much of it as I wanted-it was a holiday afterall and a tradition.

Looking back today I think I would have loved a clementine in the bottom of the stocking and I envy families who have this tradition, in the way that I used to look at a girl who would eat one shiny green apple a day in the school playground as I lined up for my biscuits at break time.

Terry's do a wonderfully tasty chocolate, infused with and shaped like an orange. I bought two during my bingeing phase with the intention of leaving them in the boyfriend's Christmas stocking. They didn't even make it to the wrapping phase and met the same demise as his favourite- a box of mint matchmakers! All traces of its DNA removed from my flat before he came over to visit. When it comes to chocolate I'm certainly not in control. So I'm happy to say that this year there will be no chocolate for Christmas. Instead I will continue to enjoy the intensity of the clementine, perky in its brilliant orange jacket and occasional green leaf.

I too am looking rather stylish today for once as I have iron straightened hair that feels light and swishy. The hairdresser balanced my head today in the way no one else can. It was a real delight to lie back and have my head shampooed and conditioned so that I fell into a near soporific trance state. I've stepped away from the old hair today and I'm shredding weight. Even my car tires have had a make over -air being pumped freshly into them. I love days like this, the sun low in the sky, casting shadows across my keyboard and lunch on the horizon.

A Hint of Gingerbread

2009-12-07T19:21:00.000Z

I'm perhaps taking the idea of redesign a little too far having spent the weekend fascinated by templates, jpeg, psd, html and photo editing packages which resulted in me nearly taking up template design myself at three am. I don't think i'll play around with the design again until the new year, keeping some of the design elements already here. The new design hints at Christmas, like the faint scent of ginger in the air.

Food has come as an unpleasant interruption to my editing and font sampling. It is a joy to be totally immersed in something obsessively so that food is placed where it should be placed. I have turned down a theatre invititation tonight so that I can catch up with the world and its blogs a little.

I have also ammended my goal of losing 10lbs by January to losing 14lbs, so that chubby gingerbread man will have to run a little further this week.

Beside myself

2009-12-06T15:53:00.000Z

I'm beside my self with mirth at the weigh in total as I'm nearly at December's goal in a week! Going to have to redesign that gingerbread baby too. At the new beginning weight loss is easy, its the future weeks you need to watch. A curse on those weight loss demons!

Mum's butternuts glowed in the oven as she baked them. With their two scooped out holes in the plump flesh they caramelised in the heat. They were left to cool. All seemed promising. Some magictry later the soup was ready; the orange gloop ready for tasting. The initial taste was disappointing there was too much water in the mix but underneath it was a subtle flavour which when you held onto it was slightly sweet and rooty. This is not one i'd serve you all readily but it was, shall we say, interesting.

Last night I went to bed hungry. Then I got up again and rooted for a wholesome supper in the cupboard. I came across some low fat rye crackers infused with cranberries.Delicious but oddly sweet. Reading the ingredients in the dim light I discovered my enemy- brown sugar-in crackers! Has the world gone mad?

Some re-design

2009-12-06T00:48:00.000Z

You may have noticed I've spent the whole of Saturday playing around with my blogger template for Christmas. I'm having a new look in the New Year too. I am having difficulty downloading the psd images or else it would be already being beamed to you. It's getting late now.

Weigh in and Butternut squash soup review to follow after i've had a good dose of beauty sleep.

The Water Jug

2009-12-05T13:41:00.000Z

My cats are old. One of them, Hodge, is slightly off his head. I suspect he has the start of cat dementia. (This is not just going to be a kookie animal post hang on for a second!)

He's not quite sure where he wants to be and he has phases of restless. Poor old soldier is sneezing quite a bit too. Despite all this he runs past his water bowl outside to the water bowl, where the water is the coolest and freshest from the rainwater and he drinks this liquid. He drinks a hell of a lot of it. My parents and I look at him and think nope he's a gonner on a slippery slope downwards to the grim reaper but he's actually functionning well. Plus he's on orders not to die this year.

Then I think of my water consumption I pale in comparison to the lovely ginger and white. The cat knows he needs water and he knows how he prefers his water to be. I have given scant regard to my water intake. The focus has always been on the food.

There's always the debate of how much water to drink per day. 1litre? 1.5 litres? 2 litres? Too much water can kill people! Not enough water stops the body being effective! Let the body guage its own thirst! Make sure you urine is pale in colour! Add your own personal plan here!

What i do know is that diet fizzy drinks have to go from my diet. The ingredients are not natural enough. So thanks Hodge for reminding me and bring on the water jug, chilled with a slice of lemon please!

Simple food.

2009-12-04T21:42:00.000Z

Porridge with honey and flaked almonds made a warming food this breakfast time. I've had another day revelling in the simple flavours of great food. I have in my hand a pink lady apple, sweeter than a cake and with a more refreshing crunch than crisps. My brain feels clearer somehow today. I haven't had sugar withdrawals or any intense cravings. Meals like egg on toast have satiated me.

Today I started what I thought would be an arduous task- that of editing November's mini novel. So far it is charming as I am re-reading and adding rather than subtracting. At some point I know I will have to be brutal with some scenes and get rid of things that are ok but don't fit with the plot. I guess editing is like weight loss- you add the nutrients and take away the slack.

My parents house has a lovely atmosphere tonight. There are piles of fruit in the fruit bowl and veg in the fridge, the cats are curled up in the warmth and dad has been venturing out for once socially. Mum is pouring over soup recipes to gain new ideas. She has lost 35lbs thus far and has dropped a couple of dress sizes.

I managed to get her a very dramatic jacket, from some where she has never managed to find what she wanted, for Christmas. It's a really lovely experience to have someone close by who has made such positive changes to their health. She has bought only a few new clothes and has bagged up the old ones so i'm hoping the jacket will be a hit.

My weigh in is in two days and I feel like i'm looking forward to it oddly.

Dark Victory

2009-12-04T00:33:00.000Z

Tired from a late night and watching Suspiria (a 70s Italian thriller with a spooky sound track)I made brioche with blackberries for the third time this week for breakfast, but this time it was actually for he whom shall not be named. I was a bit anxious because I really wanted this dish to be a success and it was, it proved a real hit. It's unashamedly unfair to explain why I was so concerned but to sum up our history has in it the foulest breakfast dish every made by man, made by my man. After a difficult decision I had half a portion of the brioche stuff and was very glad i did, although I'm looking forward to a much more plain breakfast tomorrow.

Dinner was a rip roaring success too thanks to Ikea and their spud and meatballs. He whom shall not be named had dessert- a delightful buttery piece of daim cake. I knew how it tasted so I didn't need to taste it. I let him enjoy in peace although I had a gargantuan food envy.

Later in the supermarket I was over awed again by how much sheer crap lines the shelves. There's miles of really vile stuff. We spent our time checking out for foods that didn't contain palm oil. According to he whom shall etc. palm oil is destroying orangutangs habitat and is a major health baddy. It sneaks into alsorts of foods so easily in the list of ingredients. Still it didn't stop me sifting through all that food porn out there...

The desire to get on the scales every five minutes is over taking me at present. I was rather hoping to have dropped a stone over night(Cue dream sequence interlude...)

Yes you heard me brioche again!

2009-12-01T15:45:00.000Z

made

I'm hanging my head in shame again this afternoon: I made brioche french toast again with poached raspberries instead of blackberries today for breakfast. Yesterday was a resounding success in terms of no eating between meals whatsoever and having no snacks. I'm convinced it was my hearty breakfast that made it so. I'm slightly baulking at all the fat in the brioche now. What seemed like a brilliant idea yesterday and this morning is less so this afternoon. Still a healthy balance of low fat food later on it the day should see me right...

I'm reading a book on food intolerance, food addiction and hypogylcaemia today. It's mildly interesting. It seems I have all three. The answer? Eat unrefined food, bring on the brown rice and brown pasta. I know it's really good for me over refined rice and pasta but its taste. I'm so reluctant to change my ways. I feel like i'm dragging my feet into good health, actually, i'm screaming.

Library Dilemma

2009-11-30T15:01:00.000Z

I'm at the local library. I've spotted two diet guides that I'd quite like to take out but am I bold enough to actually walk up to the front desk and hand them over. It's silly I know but I pretend I'm not fat and that people won't notice until I pick up a book that screams I'm fat. Ah the lies we tell ourselves! I will take both books out.

Completed "My Life In France" last night and it is a well written joy- a total gem of a book and huge swathes of its character go into the film Julie and Julia which, I've seen and enjoyed immensely. I then promptly picked up Powell's "Julie and Julia" and was disappointed for the most, there are some charming parts but on the whole it pales in comparison to the first. In my opinion, this is partly due to the lack of focus on the food, as well as her obsession with sex and swearing. Perhaps I'm an English prude...

Last night I eventually got on the scales. Hold your breath. 334lbs. I panicked again.Weight loss this year zero. Not strictly true given that I have both lost and gained weight. This morning I got on the scales again and was rewarded by instant weight loss to 331lbs just by writing Christmas cards in the middle of the night!

Breakfast was a treat today- poached blackberries and french toast using brioche. It was indulgent but very filling. Lunch was leek and potato soup. Tonight's feast will be chicken and rice in a sauce, unless I dine elsewhere. There will be no in between meals. If I suceed I will post the pictures of my food tonight or tomorrow.

Softening blows

2009-11-28T22:38:00.001Z

I have spent the day swearing over soft furnishings as I learnt the art of adding a zip. How the hell did mankind get zips into clothes in the first place! I cursed over my small sewing machine and eyelet/grimlet machine thwacker; the final result was my retro cushion, slightly mawkish and twee, but it somehow works.

Being totally engrossed in a complex task is the only time when I don't think about food. I made it until 10pm this evening before considering food that wasn't intended for the day. I pondered denying all cravings but decided a small and I mean small portion of chocolate would surfice, so I headed to the garage shop and bought some along with milk and garlic.

Now I have started reading Julia Childs " My Life in France", which I will follow up with Julie Powell's "Julie and Julia" so I shall be temptingly steeped in French life and cuisine for the next few days or so. I am finding the words a joy. Reading hasn't been so heavily part of my life for such a long time that I make a welcome return to it. It's like a bowl of warm stewed plums- thick and velvety with a hint of sweetness.

A spoonful...

2009-11-28T00:19:00.000Z

On Thursday night the man friend caught me out.

As he was watching a documentary in the lounge I decided to heat up my mum's chicken casserole. I was in the kitchen making sure all was heating through ok when I decided to have a peak in the cupboards. I found the box of icing sugar, powdered sugar in the states, and I decided to eat a spoonful.

It was so sweet and heady that I dived back into the packet. I was leaning on the kitchen counter packet in hand spoon shoved in my mouth with the other when my boyfriend chose that moment to come to the kitchen and impart a precious fact to me. He was aghast and disappointed that I was shovelling sugar in my mouth behind the world's back.

Secret eating is part of my problem. If I eat in secret it's like I'm not eating at all, false logic but I will say anything to ply myself with the goods.

Today however was more measured. Hardly remembered to eat again today as I hunted for bargain presents and a magazine. Came home and started making a cushion on a small sewing machine that I bought 2 years ago. Pretty damned impressed with myself and my new found interest in the domestic. My lines were wonky as I stiched shapes onto rough calico but it was fun to be in charge of a sewing machine! I hardly had time to look up from my cup of tea.

Simple Dental Check up.

2009-11-25T18:44:00.000Z

Today I appeared at the dentist slap-bang-on-time and was seated in the padded dental chair two minutes later, there not being a queue of unwilling patients to delay me.

I brought with me my beautiful enamel crown which fell off a month ago after a run in with some toffee. (That will teach me). One dentist had already failed to fit the crown so my dentist duly tried. No luck. I would need a new crown as the tooth had moved. (Did it leave a forwarding address?) "Do you have time for me to fit a temporary crown?" he said an innocuous grin across his chops.

When he needle-wielded his large syringe I was surprised. Surely all that drilling and injecting had been done last time? No. I was in for a mouth feeling like I had had B list celeb cosmetic surgery. Forty five minutes later I skipped out unable to eat anything. Dental visits do have some advantages I muttered under my breath.

Somehow I'd switched the lounge heater off too so the flat was cold on my return. The village library was shut so I hot footed it over to the next public library which was just as closed. Escaped to the cake ridden world of my parents and designed a cover for my novel using a very nifty photo package. Printed out my winners certificate and felt quite depressed I wasn't writing, had a nap and somewhere a long the way I forgot to eat in between meals. It just wasn't necessary. Puzzled by this turn of events I am about to go window shopping with a quid in my purse. Glorious day!

Novelist claims literary prize

2009-11-24T23:45:00.000Z

Ok I am dreaming somewhat but I have wonderful news to impart; I have finished the first rough draft of my novel and am giving myself five days off before I start rewriting huge chunks of it. It has been a most marvellous novelling experience again this month

Fictional worlds are wonderful - not one of the characters really excercises and they eat junk food when they feel like it and drink large quantities yet they still remain bodily perfect. I am envious of their near perfect world other than the disasters which befall them all.

Today I have been patchy with my eating habits but I was writing for a deadline. Tomorrow all will be as usual. I will be in line with my new water meter, which will measure everything and be cost saving.

That chap of mine was having hysterics this evening at the vision of me using a trampoline. He says he will keep me guessing for weeks but I am delighted he found my bouncing self amusing. Wait until i have the sleekness of a panther.

As well as my writing success i managed to deftly avoid a tub of pringles in the house and did not go out and buy my own either. Small victories count!

Positive actions.

2009-11-23T08:04:00.001Z

I'm in a better state of mind today. I'm up ludicrously early and have already bashed out 1,500 words of the novel. Killing the arrogant radio star, Andrew Timms, in my novel was a real treat it practically wrote itself. Six thousand five hundred left before i can type The End!

Breakfast was cereal and 4 water crackers. Don't ask me why i needed the water crackers as well I think something crunchy aliviates nervous energy. See I have an excuse for everything!

My feelings are less bleak today. I have made a commitment to be kind to myself all day. This means that I will look after what I put in my body and take myself out for a walk. Hell I may even take the dog out and throw devil may care attitude to the rain. Plus I am going to apply for a job I saw advertised. Applying means contacting my old boss to ask for a reference, something which I don't much relish. Still It needs to be done if I am to stay away from the cupboards. The honey says i need a lock on the fridge. The human love machine says a lot of things.

Yet he was all sympathy last night about my abject misery and my need for books (Confessions of a Carb Queen/ Passing for Thin/Secrets of a Former Fat Girl/The Incredible Shrinking Critic/Confessions of a Reformed Dieter. ) Then he hinted at my Christmas present, which is something that should help my weight loss somehow. I'm all perplexed. Normally men are so transparent at gift buying but this one seems to have a trick up his sleeve. If it's a trampoline, hula hoop or skipping rope he is barking up the wrong tree and a trial separation may be in order! (Just so you know, love!)

Book Longings and another day 1

2009-11-22T19:50:00.000Z

Tonight I believe myself to be the most miserable person on the planet today. Wherefore springs this drama? all of you cry in unison, like a Greek chorus...

I am sulking like a child. There are five second hand diet books lying around in Canada and America that I want to get my mitts on. I believe that these books will spur me on to great things during the month of December and kick start my diet afresh (again!). I will have to wait 5 days before I can order them and then 3 weeks before they arrive. I picture Americans buying them up at a rapid pace to counter act Thanksgiving. ( Please if you are in America or Canada do not buy any weight loss memoirs from cheap book outlets-pay full price. Do not deprive me of my much needed kick in the teeth from someone elses success story.)

My weight is a central issue for everyone around me. My mum is commenting on my eating habits daily as is my father, " you have an eating disorder". Mum has lost two stones (that's 28 lbs) and is now a preacher for the slim world. " all you need to do is eat less" Thank you for that pearl of wisom sweet mama! Even my sweet man has said how worried he is. In reality they need not say a word as I am the one most worried.
I worry that this thing is larger than I am. That I will not be able to handle anything. I see myself in a fire unable to be stretchered out of a building because i am too heavy. I am scared and very angry and disappointed and sad and grieving. All these emotions rolled into one lump of fear. What hurts the most is that even when I am shovelling food into my mouth I have not got the ability to put down the food. I found myself urging my other self to put down a chicken mcnugget. I simply couldn't the other week.

Today I have eaten 3 meals and 2 snacks. The portions were huge. There has been no bingeing in between meals. God I am ashamed to say I'm back to basics. Cupboards are lined with easy cook rice , cheese, crackers and cakes. I don't need any of it but my un named emotions turn me there.

My parents are looking after the neighbour's Old English sheep dog. I could go out and walk her but I have chosen to sit indoors write my novel- just 8 thousand words left- and then pour over someone else's success story. I need stories of hope so I will turn to my fellow's blog.

I start another novel

2009-11-02T00:10:00.000Z

So far all is well today. I have stuck to a food plan and i feel bright and more cheery.

I've had a really social time this weekend. Went out for a meal on halloween, eating only starters because everyone was too afraid to get up for more! Then had a rather large bottle of cider at the bar and then staggered over to the Library theatre to watch a Brecht play. All very delightful, especially as i travelled back on the bus sitting near to snow white and little red riding hood and a man with blue hair and an eye patch- the regular crowd on my bus route.

Posts will be really sketchy this month as I am participating in the yearly challenge of NANO. It is National Novel Writing Month and where participants get to write the novel/s they always dreamt of. See www.nanowrimo.org for details, donations or sign up for yourself.

I'm hoping i'll be so busy writing that I will forget to eat (as if).

Day 3

2009-10-28T22:25:00.000Z

Okay so the man asked for the the remaining chocolates tonight but there were none left. I'd manage to clear then out of the house.

Staggered into a supermarket and came out with diet coke and a 17p pancake mix. I bought the pancake mix as a desire to impulse buy as I'd previously spotted a top for Christmas I'd love to purchase so was feeling upset that I had 84p in my purse and nothing in the cash machine. Buying the mix made me feel like someone who goes shopping nothing more. Plus as it goes well with lemon and sugar that I have in my cupboards i argued I had a meal.

Haven't eaten junk or inbetween meals at all. Mixed results today, roll on tomorrow. Am still avoiding getting on the scales.

Day 2- Leaves

2009-10-27T19:21:00.001Z

I have had a great day. Woke up early ate museli with fruit and nuts and strolled through the day like it was a holiday.

Decided to return a library book in my local town, by walking the path upto the base of the hill and then down the steep incline. It was a real joy to be puffing and panting again and pausing to take pictures of trees that have gone full cycle.

The library fine was 84p so I went to the supermarket in town with a stride in my boots. I had to re program myself not to look at cakes and biscuits and i succeeded, grabbing a pack of button mushrooms in panic. Bought the shopping and then heaved ho-d it up the hill with an extra strong shopper. The leaves are nearly off the trees. In a week or so they will have blown away but I am dwelling in their mellowness.

Food was good today, other than the urge to eat through the tin of chocolates at fruit snack time. Had they not been in the flat i wouldn't have had a handful. I was able to stop though I can't wait for his honour to releive me of the rest of the fatty treats

SO moderate success and a weigh in tomorrow.

Excess- Day 1

2009-10-26T22:45:00.000Z

"Be excessive. if your love likes chocolate, give them a five-pound bar."

This is the dangerous quotation I found in The little book of joy. I am having to re think my excesses tonight. My car looks like a dustbin again, my parents food cupboards flow with biscuits and cakes. There are discarded ice cream tubs in my study. My body is worn down, tired and fed up. A bar of anything is not needed.

Tonight I had a serious discussion with the honey. He and I are worried about my weight. It's another rock bottom. Therefore, I am re-launching my diet, hence the new day numbers. I have already started. We sat down for a cup of tea the beau ate Scottish shortbread ;I had pineapple.

It's incredible how my self worth and motivation are linked with diet and exercise. I don't know why I want to act in a self loathing manner by abusing my body with food. Actually it's not that important to work it out tonight until I eat properly again.

Tomorrow I will walk and take photographs and eat three nutritious meals. Weigh in also I think
. I am also thinking about taking out a one month gym deal.

Embarrassment

2009-10-20T14:09:00.000+01:00

I'm seething with anger, no incandescent with rage.

I got my days mixed up and thought the water man was coming to fit my water metre today, but he actually called yesterday when i was visiting my parents. This is the water company who had me wait 5 hours for them 2 weeks ago and didn't show. But it's not the water company im so enraged with it's my parents!

I told them what had happened and they both en mass went into a hysterical screaming fit at me infront of the neighbour. Then , and remember i'm 36, my dad calls the water company for me as my mother deems me "not fit to do anything myself".

I feel sick , anxious and venomous all in one. I feel like shouting at the top of my voice and screaming at them. But I sit here and vent my family laundry to the world instead, it's far easier and kinder. So my anger will turn to sorrow and before you know it i will be eating jaffa cakes in secret again.

Baked Figs and a Theatre Trip

2009-10-17T16:42:00.000+01:00

Thursday saw me dash early into Manchester for theatre tickets and a lipstick in the most perfect shade of pink. Lunch was a hot chocolate and small piece of banana cake.

In the evening I headed for the centre of the city again and the glorious Royal Exchange Building, where in the thetre in the round is housed. The play was "Punk Rock", which has little to do with music but actually needs an edgy title to go with some of its content. It was a delight. The dialogue was sparkling, the characterisations interesting overall and the acting superb. It was mostly gripping.

It's been years since I've been to the theatre. I don't know why i've stayed away so long. The audience buzzes like a hive before performance. Why do we avoid what is good for us?

Yesterday I ate baked figs. They were baked in orange juice and honey and were sprinkled with almonds. Such a delight- so sensual.

Mother

2009-10-07T21:58:00.000+01:00

I'm at my parent's house today as the car has gone into the garage for repair to the overheating fan. I have zero cash and no transport so there's no male company for me tonight. I'm actually kind of enjoying it. I've caught up on a network of writing contacts, watched Emma on BBC iplayer and have generally pottered about.

It's a luxury to be at my parent's. The house is warm and there is food readily available. I even had a wonderful tea provided for me, with homemade low fat yogurt icecream if i'd had been able to scoop it out. It proved to be frozen solid.

I'm still in a low funk which I am trying to get myself out of. Negative thoughts abound. Yet slowly good habits have crept into my routine here. I've reintroduced a set number of meals. Reintroduced fruit. I'm considering if i need that extra biscuit. Bit by bit I am gaining back some of my guts. I'm waiting for a little cry to say Enough and I can be free from this ridiculous obsession with eating and food.

How I treated the man

2009-10-06T15:15:00.000+01:00

The sun caught the branches of the tree outside my bedroom window Sunday morning. It was a glorious sight. What I knew for sure, in the immortal words of Oprah, was that I wasn't feeding my man that tarte. I had prooved too rich for even my dad and was residing in the bottom of their fridge awaiting its next unsuspecting victim.

Having only a box of sweet potatoes in the house, which he had bought me Wednesday night-presenting them to me with joy like a cat a dead rodent, I was stuck what to give him. What man gives a woman sweet potatoes as a gift? Yet I was touched; it was the first time he'd found them in the supermarket and was glowing with his discovery.

In the end finances ruled. I had in the recesses of my purse a gift card from Marks and Glorious Spencer. Problem solved. I wouldn't have to cook and we could have something a bit different.

Scanning the aisles was fun, we built meals in our imagination. We rejected toad in the hole, spotted dick and steak and ale pie. We focused on complex fayre- Moussaka and salad. There was a debate over dessert. The him chose strawberry trifle- he's a classic English man afterall is said and done. Paying was painless. Plastic actually stops you feeling purchases. Waltzed home and shoved the thing in the thing in the corner of the room that actually gives out heat and waited.

He was happy. He went to his folks smiling and content although i'd over done it with the perfume and his brothers smiled knowingly when he said he'd visited a friend.

Chocolate Tarte

2009-10-03T15:07:00.000+01:00

Having bought a reduced price cookbook the other day about french cusine, inspired by the film about Julia Childs. Loverboy is so good about the weekly budget food that I thought he deserved a treat. I was going to bake him Chocolate tarte. Then I realised that Friday was my dad's birthday so at 2 am Thursday evening I was making chocolate pastry to chill for Friday.

I don't cook very often for loads of reasons but I was delighted to because my dear old pa is 74. Friday morning I melted the chocolate and heated the cream. I poured the mix into the pasty case and admired my handy work. Then I hoofed it over to my folks' place and set the tarte on the counter. Knowing what went into it I certainly wasn't going to eat much of it. (250g butter, 5 eggs and 300g chocolate to say the least). The result was that it's way too chocolatey and rich. Ah well. Now I have to think of something else to bake the lad if i feel up to it.

Windy autumnal day today. I am so glad i am well stocked on scarves and gloves this year. I will go for a walk and take photos perhaps tomorrow. Today's excitement has been about the start of Nanowrimo 2009 soon.

I am about to write my third novel, but this time i want to write something worthy of publication. Nano is great fun and it means i get to have a little bit of a varied social life for November as I attend write in with other would be novelists. Mum treated me to a nano tshirt this year too. Check out www.nanowrimo.com

Lakeland Walks

2009-09-29T11:42:00.000+01:00

I received a white letter through the post yesterday morning. It looked innocuous enough with its typed name and address, franked postmark. Opening it was like a bitter blow. I am to see the dreaded dietician in October. How can I go and say I lost a stone but slammed it all back on this summer thanks to some help from Cadbury's? Go I will do. Yesterday was penitence. I did manage to cram in some sweet potatoes though. My mum has actually lost more weight than I have this summer. I am considering handing over the blog! She could tell you about her vegetable soup and how cup a soups and cereal bars saved her from temptation. I will keep you informed of what the delightful dietician says to me though.

I have been grumpy of late so the fellow who is never named decided we both needed a day out. We had an early night and woke at six for a scrambled eggy breakfast, massacred by my own fair hand. The motorway was easy driving and in less than 2 hours we were cruising by lake Windermere.

Being a seasoned traveller to the lakes, having spent many childhood summers there, I sneered at the attractions of the large lake and headed for a small glimpse of literary heaven. I had targeted Grassmere. For those of you not in the know it was the home for many years of the Romantic poet William Wordsworth (Think Daffodils) and his good sister Dorothy. We arrived before most shops had opened so there was a calm that the place lacks when the tourist coaches pull in. In the chill of the morning i added another fleecy layer to my already full t shirted layers, put on a ridiculous hat, to which lover boy said nothing.

Finding Dove cottage was easy, I simply had to look for the house with a cliched Japanese tourist taking photos. Sure enough there were two, snapping the leaded lights of the parlour window. It amazes me that people from a land so far away know so much about my country. We exchanged smiles. Then I stood infront of the cottage, smoke from William's own hearth fire burning in the autumnal air. Of course the honey and I didn't go in. He isn't a literary type and i'd been there before. I simply bought two postcards for my fridge and moved back to the village. Our bodies being exchanged for a lovely couple from Atlanta, Georgia whose photograph I took, no doubt with a finger over her husband's face. At 9 am in the harsh weather she was made up immaculately. I admire some American ladies tenacity when it comes to grooming.

I decided to introduce the non literary type to William , Dorothy and their unknown brother John. The wordsworths didn't say much, possibly because i went through a phase of derision at 18, but I hope they have forgiven me recently. The other main reason is because there were other delights in the small cemetry. All I will say is I told the darling to smell the air and close his eyes. He did. Nothing. I moved him closer to the building. He was enraptured by the scent.

At a coffee bar with Sarah Nelson's original recipe gingerbread snuck in we planned our assault on the rest of the lakes. First off was a stone circle I adore as you can touch its 3 thousand year old stones and wonder what the hell it was built for. Even in a muddy field outside town there were tourists from far off lands. Infact we managed to accidently follow two to the temporary measures coffee shop in Keswick. Visit their site. It's charming www.temporarymeasures.co.uk

Then we got serious. My sugar had a cumberland sausage bap and I a tuna fish sarnie and we headed off into the hills for a walk. We chose Buttermere as it's slightly more out of the way and we could walk round the lake in a relatively short time frame. The picture above doesn't do the place justice. I was charmed. The none literary one then revealed he only liked mountain walks. Two hours later we scrambled back into the car with frayed nerves and achy limbs and I took my sick car up the pass.

This was a mistake as i had to go up in first gear and the warning light came on. The car headed nearer and nearer the red warning light. At the top of the spectacular pass there is a mine/shop/cafe/car park. I pulled in whilst the loved one went careering up the mountain for a good view of the hills. It looked too bloody high for me and I was knackered from our jaunt round the lake so i looked gingerly at the drop from the car park and ate kendal mint cake surrepticiously praying he wouldn't be blown off the cliff.

We started the heave ho for home when the darling returned, but we called in to a fish n chip shop en route. And yes there was a tourist standing outside having their photo snapped!

Sense of calm

2009-09-19T07:41:00.000+01:00

Friday was delicious. It was so gloriously easy to eat well. A sandwich for lunch, ripe figs from the supermarket, their bodies velvet to the touch and full of sweet sweet flesh.

Even declined the biscuits offered by my sweets when i visited him last night. Watched him eat the oat stuff with disinterest.

Shopped at 2am. Bought salad and milk brim full of goodness. I love the supermarket when it's just full of me and the shelf stackers and everything laid out sans crowds. I managed to find a tin of the most wonderful hot chocolate ever to have for breakfast one autumn day with my porridge. Topped with marsmallow for that real blast of the fall.

Vineyard Capers

2009-09-18T00:39:00.000+01:00

I'm so embarrassed at myself. Had a great time with my chocolate cream soldier as per usual. He was delighted at the food i flung at him today. Leek and goats cheese tart and a side order of sweet potatoes. These buttery sweet things were new to him so I feel like I have done him a good service to make up for the horror of Wednesday night.

I can't actually remember parts of Wednesday night. I used to think that memory loss was a rouse to avoid embarrassment when people drink but I actually killed my memory cells. Good thing too perhaps.

It started off well, a glass of wine and a dvd of British public information films (by the way OLD FRIDGES CAN KILL, so I learnt from one of them. The darling and I are making jokes about fridges ad nauseaum. Come to think of it it's my fridge or contents of it that are killing me now... sweet irony)

We then moved on to watch a documentary about the Manchester music scene. All well. I was reaching the giggly phase. I recall drinking some of bottle number two of wine. The top and the bottom but the bit in the middle has vanished. I recollect being violently sick on my cream carpet and continuing to wretch. I have only been that drunk once before when i was 21. It was not very pretty nor was last night.

The honey said prior to up chucking I had ignored warning to stop drinking and insisted on listening to the Stone Roses at full volume as I sung along merrily at high pitch, managing to take the piss out of a couple of 60s bands at the same time. Once i was sick, he then put me unwillingly to bed, made me drink copious amounts of water and stayed with me to watch that i wasn't sick again. He even put the new mixing bowl i had bought him that day by the side of my bed just incase.

I woke up feeling ok but mortified that I had abused my body thusly. Today was about food. Back to two glasses of rum and coke and nothing else on a Wednesday night in future. I'm so disappointed in myself.

Fruit Bowl

2009-09-16T11:20:00.000+01:00

I'm in love with my fruit bow. I have taken the darling out of the cupboard and placed her on the kitchen counter. This beloved and beautiful bowl was given to me as a present from a dear friend. She had been banished too long. Why you scream? All because I thought a fruit platter in the lounge was a better alternative! How fool hardy that was! My kitchen is at the centre of my flat, all rooms lead off it so I can check the state of the fruit and gaze adoringly at the myriad of good health contained therein oh and eat some three times a day.

Last night I went for a walk at twilight. I had been sat on my arse reading Country Walking Magazine when I decided i could actually do something active. I crossed farmland then through woodland and the tinkling brook therein sounded ten times more delicious by nightfall. The branches caught at my clothes and there was something extra scary about traversing mystical landscapes in the gloom.

I then walked past a row of English stone cottages, their lights burning within and curtains opened. Each had low natural beams, a sturdy fire and a fireside chair; it was so quintessentially English I nearly burst.

Came home and now I have the most delicious sensation of everything relaxed and thoroughly exercised.

Planning.Rainbows

2009-09-15T10:22:00.000+01:00

So today is where I get real again and it was hard, really bloody hard and it's only ten thirty am. Yet the sun came through my window this morning and made a rainbow on the wall between my bedframe. I cupped the end of the rainbow, looking for gold.- nothing but my yogurt tasted fantastic. I love the lore that surrounds rainbows. Perhaps it really is a symbol for me this week.

I decided to treat myself to a small shopping spree today- nothing lavish. It's still a toss up between spree and buying petrol but who cares? I bought a cheap necklace that catches the light beautifully. I'm wearing it now. There is something about beauty that really appeals to me I just couldn't live a spartan lifestyle. I saw a delicious dress size ten on sale. I considered buying it but why taunt myself as i have a long way to go and my pyjamas still need fitting into yet.

Last night i bought minor provisions from the supermarket. I bought the ingredients for a leek and goats cheese flan that I intend cooking for my old bean on Thursday. I decided he needs nurishment as well as i only ever feed him tuna pasta salad or baked beans on toast. Plus we are officially IN LOVE so one has to make a bit of an effort. We have spent the last week gazing into each others eyes and being, well, rather pathetic.

Redemption

2009-09-14T10:07:00.000+01:00

I haven't blogged for a while and everyone knows this isn't good news for a diet blogger. I have been slipping into old habits so easily.

Today things came to a head for me. I saw Julie and Julia during the day and had real doubts about continuing this blog. I mean what benefit was it serving? I carried on home im my car, strewn with food detritus from hastily grabbed takeouts, hidden in part by plastic bags.

The truth is i have been subsisting on Macdonalds, boxes of Swiss and Belgian chocolates and threesomes with Ben and Jerry for the last couple of weeks or so. I had failed to loose more weight. I feel dreadful.

I went home to my flat, and there were cupcake wrappers scattered over countertops and pink smatterings of icing where I'd been in too much of a hurry to stuff my face than keep clean. Then it hit me. Where else could I get understanding about these issues than from fellow bloggers and readers? Blogging offers me a sense of community. I don't have to celebrate success all the time. So i'm here saying I screwed up.

But I have a plan, and its back to the plan- no skiving. I waved goodbye to the Swiss chocolates yesterday and celebrated simple food by a small piece of brie on good french style baguette- it was like a sacrement for the body. Although I will confess that I had a last supper of sticky toffee pudding, butter ladened and should set me up on stores for the winter.

Warwick

2009-08-28T22:08:00.000+01:00

Thursday being sunny found me and the darling on our travels to Warwick castle. Breakfast was toast and lunch a hastily shoved together piece of tomato bread with turkey breast. Photos above. I'll type coherrently over the weekend!

Arty Diversions.

2009-08-25T12:27:00.000+01:00

I can't believe its been nearly ten days since I last blogged. I have been distracted by life. Things have changed slightly here. Please forgive the underlining. I can't find the button to take it off!

Things have fallen into a routine. I have been playing the Sims too much to be healthy, eBayed too much, I have been making clay jewellery and making block prints out of old lino.

Food has been a hand to mouth existance. I haven't been careful at all but I've only eaten when hungry. I need to get back to my food plan and walking routine. Each day I start afresh and something interrupts me.

I will eat well for the rest of the day, in earnest.

Photos as promised

2009-08-15T13:46:00.000+01:00